Thursday, September 4, 2008

Shields Down

I used to have a Blogging Persona. Sparkling Red, born into the blogging world in October of 2007. She stood at a remove from the world, using that distance to find humour within anger or fear, and beauty within sorrow.

After Jesus came along and found me, and lifted me up to himself, I changed. At first I had trouble writing because my basic assumptions about reality were in flux, and I wasn't even sure who I was anymore. How can you write about "I" when you don't even know who that "I" is?

But now things are settling down, and I still find myself reluctant to return to this blog.

I can't be the old Spark anymore. I no longer stand at such a remove from the world, claiming observer status. Living like that allowed me a measure of protection, and also left me feeling alienated.

Now that I've set my intention to engage lovingly with real people in the real world, my heart has grown. I'm less likely to escape into ironic humour, and more likely to get genuinely emotional as I let myself be impacted by life. It's not that I feel this approach is unwelcome in Blogland, where there are no outsiders. But I'm more vulnerable now that I've dropped my shields. It's one thing to share my new self with trusted family and friends. It's quite another thing to put it out on the internet for anyone to see.

Also, I find myself preoccupied with some very controversial issues at the moment. Nothing I wish to share with a limitless audience. I'm not sure what would be gained by spouting my opinions on these matters, because peoples' minds aren't generally changed by words, but by personal experience.

So that is why again and again, I think about writing for this blog, and come up with question marks.

And yet, here I am!


Keera Ann Fox said...

Nice to see you again! And nice to read that you have found what you've been looking for and that it feels like a good fit. Nothing is better!

Nilsa S. said...

I, for one, look forward to your blog posts. Maybe because you do walk to a different beat. And maybe because I can learn something from you. While I'm not sure I totally agree with "people aren't changed by words; they're changed by experiences" ... I do believe everyone, whether they agree with you or not, should be exposed to all sides of a dilemma. So, I say, write on about the controversy if it helps you sort things out in your own space. And who knows, maybe the comments of your readers will help you figure out what it all means.

Dianne said...

I always blogged as Dianne and never felt I had a blog persona. I approached blogging much as I approach all of my interaction with the world - blunt, open, messy, random, sometimes angry, always loving and with a huge mish-mosh of issues that I reveal mostly through humor.

It's funny I've come upon this today. I don't use a reader and I don't check here regularly anymore but today - here I am.

I have been feeling like putting a few shields UP - LOL - talk about ironic. I find myself very emotional over the election, especially as it relates to racism and ignorance, and since Palin was named I've had a real hard time being civil which IS what I want to be.

Also my sister's birthday is coming up and part of me wants so much to write about her - she died 21 years ago - and an equally big part of me doesn't want to scratch a bunch of scabs.

And here I end up! I think it means we are both right. Sheilds down a bit, shields up a bit. Perhaps balanced shields?

I miss you and I'm so pleased to have had a chance to talk to you today.

Angel... said...

Good to see u and your lovely post.

Aurora said...

Hello again!
your blog sounds very beautiful today.

Karen said...

You can't push yourself if it is not there. I am just happy that you are finding peace. I miss you though.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

"People aren't changed by words; they're changed by experiences"

I'm sorry, but when I read your words I get to experience in some small way what you did. I get to see how you see the world and witness the awkward beauty of you discovering a faith and learning how to grow from that.

I agree empty words will not change minds, but words full of your spirit can change peoples minds and help them grow.

I truly miss reading your blog. I miss the humor, sarcasm, seriousness and soul searching. I hope your journey continues to be a rewarding one.

Anonymous said...

Shields down... Thumbs up!

Sparkling Red said...

I am totally wowed by the incredible support and encouragement in all of your comments.

In fact, you've all buoyed up my heart with enough courage that I feel ready to write more about this incredibly personal and often confusing journey.

I get the message: if the reader's heart is open, "just words" become an experience. I am so thrilled and honoured that you personally want to join me on this journey. Talk about being the wind beneath my wings! (See, I told you I'm more mushy now.)

I don't believe it's any coincidence that Dianne (Hi Dianne!) came across this entry with perfect timing. The more time I spend praying and getting connected, the more I find beautiful synchronicities popping up in my life. It all falls into place when we're on the right track, at least some of the time. (Hard lessons also come up, but that's OK...)

Thank you for such personal responses. I read them all, savour them, and then re-read them again. You guyzes are the BEST!


Claire said...

I'm glad you're here hon. Reading about you growing in faith is fascinating.


Dianne said...

Spark - I got the call from the Dr not long after I read your post and as I was slip sliding my way home I thought of you.

A very strong thought, almost a presence, of you. It made me smile, made me feel less alone and filled me with wonder at how I came to your post yesterday.

The entire experience has been incredible.

And on we go!

Sparkling Red said...

Dianne, that's amazing! We must have some kind of ethereal connection. I will include you in on my list of daily prayers, asking for health, love, and light to be sent your way. If there's any way that I can help, even from a distance, I am thrilled to do so. :-)

onlooker said...

hi! that was a very personal confession sorts, but so true that i guess everyone, or atleast in the blogdom, can identify with and empathise. Nice to see someone grow inside and be aware of the positive changes it brings in and proceed accordingly! (hope im making sense here)

Sparkling Red said...

Hi Onlooker,

Thanks for the encouragement! That totally made sense. :-)

San said...

I'm glad you're back, Spark. I've missed you.