Sunday, January 5, 2014

You can't step twice into the same river.

Right before Christmas, things at my job got really-really stressful.  Since I work for a business that is partially owned by my step-dad, everything from work leaks out into my family.  And because Ken has also been working in the business, it was all over the place at home too.

Certainly there are benefits to working with family, but there are also times like these when I long to have a job I can truly leave at the end of the day.

It's been awful, what with people I love fighting with each other and my step-dad putting pressure on me to do things that I don't feel right doing.  In fact, I felt so not-right even considering them that I had to confront him and refuse.  I made an appointment to meet with him on Boxing Day because he's so busy these days that that was the only way to make sure he'd actually have time to listen to me.

We sat down across a table from one another, and I spoke my mind on all the things I haven't been able to talk to him about for months.  It's not that I haven't tried.  It's just that he's been so stressed out that anytime I started to say something that he didn't want to hear he'd get angry and shut his ears off.  I can always tell from his tone of voice when there's no point in carrying on an argument.  But this time I told him I needed his attention until I was done speaking.

First of all I told him that I love him.  Then I told him a lot of things that he didn't want to hear, in the gentlest way possible, but firmly.  I told him that I couldn't do the things he wanted me to do.  He listened.  Then he gave me a ride to the subway.  We haven't spoken since then.

So, life is kind of tough right now.  Day-to-day work has been crazy.  Big-picture work is uncertain.  Family relationships are messed up.  I can't talk about a lot of it because so much of it is confidential.  My family members are upset.  It's been hard on Ken.  And some of my good friends are my colleagues, so the few who know what's up are also worried and unhappy.

On the bright side, I have my health.  And I don't say that facetiously; it's actually a freaking miracle. Two years ago, I was just getting over a full-on nervous breakdown.  Today, under significant and unrelenting stress, I am holding up not too badly.  Yes, I am feeling kind of worn out by it all, but I am still enjoying life, my friends, and all the little comforts like my cozy bed, uplifting books, and a good walk.  I get to feeling nauseous at the worst of times, but I'm keeping myself healthy and in shape.  In fact, Ken had a cold all last week and I didn't catch it.

I have faith in myself; faith in my family and friends (not necessarily in that order in all cases); faith in love winning out in the long run, and faith in God.  I know that this too shall pass.  I know that I can take care of myself.  I know that I can and will stand up for what I believe in.  I am definitely grateful for the helping chemical hand of Paxil, but I feel that  I can take personal credit for a lot of my increased resilience.  10 mg is the smallest dose on the market and it will only get you so far.  I've come the rest of the way myself.


DarcKnyt said...

I'll keep praying for you Spark. I'm sorry it's not possible for everyone to compartmentalize as well as you do, and keep family things apart and separate from work things. I know how I'd feel if my wife and I fought or became cool over work things, and how hard it would be if I didn't have her to vent to about work things. What with all of your relational ties to your workplace, it's pretty amazing you hold up and stay aloft as well as you do.

I have always had deep admiration for you, and that isn't waning at all hearing things like this. I'll do whatever I can to support you through it all, but prayer is probably the best thing. So I'll do that.

Hope things shake out better soon.

All our best.

Jenski said...

You're very strong! The Paxil just gives you a little space to be who you are without the breakdown. I will be thinking of you as you go into another work week!

Sparkling Red said...

DarcKnyt: I know your prayers are helping! Thank you. (And keep 'em coming! ;-)

Jenski: That is an excellent way of putting it. It does give me space. Thanks for your kind thoughts. :-)

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Hang in there. You are a much stronger person for having been though some of the difficult times over the last few years and you will prevail. I have faith in you.

G. B. Miller said...

Not much that I can add to what everyone else has said, other than to say keep doing what you're doing and eventually things should start breaking your way.

Lynn said...

Oh my - I hope all gets better. I'm so glad you are doing OK.

Granny Annie said...

Yikes! There is more to this than meets the eye. Hang in there and all will be well. You are a survivor.

Jameil said...

1) So glad you're maintaining your integrity even though you are being challenged.
2) SOOOO glad you have your health! It was terrible watching you suffer not knowing what was wrong.

Vanessa T said...

Oh how well I remember that dark time and how worried I was about you. I remember scouring the Internet, thinking I could help find a fix of some kind, because I so wanted to do *something* and help you get well. Yes, I know it was silly (what could I possibly know that you and your doctor didn't?!), but I really was worried.

To see you flexing your muscles now, pretty much saying, "Yeah, I got this!" is so inspiring, Spark, and so joy inducing. God has brought you so far.

It is terribly frustrating for you to go through this stuff right now. Work+family+home - and here you've been handling it so well - so much better than others, it seems!

I'll be praying for you - for your husband, for you, for your step-father. I know that can't help the relationship with your mother either. I have faith all this will pass though, and that you will have flying colors at the end for doing what you believe is right, and standing up for yourself.

Chin up! And *hugs*