Things I Can't Even Part 2

Did I ever tell you guys about the time my step-dad plotted a murder?

I didn't?  Oh, that's probably because I was terrified that he would make good on his threats and if I revealed that I had known about it ahead of time I could be jailed for years as an accessory to the crime.

Some of you will recall that my step-dad was embroiled in a lawsuit against his business partners a few years ago.  That lawsuit was finally resolved, but only after many years of legal wrangling that funneled all of his wealth into the pockets of lawyers.

My step-dad is relentless.  The guy he was up against also had no intention of backing down.  In the end, as all such legal battles do, it came down to who ran out of money (lawyer fuel) first.  Since the other guy is (supposedly) a billionaire, my step-dad was outclassed.  Anyone could have predicted that from the beginning, but my step-dad just wouldn't give up and walk away.  Now he has lost his shares in the business and he has spent all his savings.  Super great.

At one point, when he was feeling particularly frustrated, he told me that he was planning to hire a hit on one of the players in the drama.  He seemed to be serious.  He associated with a lawyer who acted as the legal representative for a powerful biker gang.  This guy occasionally showed up at my workplace to drop off or pick up papers.  He dressed like a stereotypical biker, and was usually accompanied by a giant, fierce Rottweiler whose booming bark was enough to put anyone into a state of visceral fear.

I found it easy to believe that this guy would know a guy who knew a guy who could set up a hit, if the money was right.

I begged my step-dad to be reasonable.  His adversary in the lawsuit was a powerful man, and probably had his own thugs to call on.  I could picture all sorts of horrible consequences, one of which was myself getting killed in revenge.  The best-case scenario would be my step-dad's plan being discovered before anyone died, but he would go to jail for a long time.

My only hope was that his ADD (as diagnosed by me, Dr. Spark) would ensure that he got distracted from the plan before it was carried out.  Sometimes it's a good thing when someone "fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties at work".  I've watched enough true crime TV to know that planning a good murder requires sustained attention to detail, and no hired hit man worth the title would agree to proceed carelessly.

Fortunately for everyone, that's what happened.  My step-dad talked about it a lot, but he never got around to making a plan.  He even semi-forgave the guy he was hoping to rub out.  At least they're on speaking terms again.  At one point, when everything had settled down, I asked him, "Aren't you glad you didn't murder X?"  He wouldn't commit to being glad about it.  But I sure as heck am.