I've put on a few pounds in the past year.
This is a good thing.
A year ago, after my illness, I was a real scrawny chicken. My butt had gone missing. My face was kind of pointed and weaselly. I've always been an ectomorph, but this was a step too far.
I worked diligently at gaining weight. I started eating an Mbar at snack time daily. These energy bars boast 380 calories per serving. (They're also delicious. I recommend Cherry Chocolate and Pineapple Coconut.)
I gained back all the weight I'd lost, and a few pounds more. I'm as well-padded as I've ever been, and despite the inconvenience of growing out of my pants, I'm happy about it. I'm definitely still thin, but no longer scrawny. People have been telling me that my face has filled out pleasantly. Also, my butt grew back.
I actually feel warmer. True fact: fat really does act as insulation! I'm much more comfortable with a little cushion against the cold.
Up until last week I was squeezing into my old pants, but I finally couldn't take it anymore. I ran out on Friday for an emergency larger-pants purchase. I bought 3 pairs at a store where I've never been able to buy pants before, because their smallest size was too big for me. Now it's just right.
The new pants are at the shop being hemmed. Until then I'm wearing only my pants that contain at least 3% Spandex. Thank heaven for a little give.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Pets
I miss having a pet.
I always lived with at least one cat until Ken (Mr. Allergic) moved in. Since then I've had to make do with houseplants. There was that one winter when a snail lived in one of the potted plants that we brought in from the patio. Sammy. He was a good boy. He went back outdoors in the springtime and we never saw him again.
Then there were the Sea Monkeys, but they were neither cute nor cuddly. They were mainly a pain in the rear.
If Ken and I move into a bigger home next year, I'll be able to have a pet. We can designate a room for my hobbies, and Ken can stay away from it if there are furred or feathered creatures in there that make him sneezy. I've been considering my options.
1) Guinea Pig
Oops - wrong picture!
I meant:
Aw, isn't he/she cute? GP's are adorable, and unlike some other rodents they are sensible and do their sleeping at night. They are social animals, so if you want happy guinea pigs you need to put at least two together in the cage.
2) Bird:
I like the idea of having a really smart bird and teaching it to talk. On the other hand, I'd feel bad leaving such an intelligent creature locked up in a cage with nothing to do all day. I wouldn't be as interested in having a bird of ordinary intelligence. I prefer a pet that I can interact with. If I can't snuggle it, it had better be able to chat with me.
3) Hedgie
These guys are super-cute, and have some very handy qualities. They're not rodents, so you can let them out of their cage to have a stroll without worrying that they're going to make a beeline for your computer desk and chew through all the cables. Also, some of them can learn to use a litterbox. (Unfortunately you can't tell until you try if your hedgie will be cooperative in that department.) Also unfortunately, they are nocturnal, so you don't get much facetime during the day. Fortunately, however, they are solitary animals, so they don't mind hanging out all by themselves.
4) Chubby-face Fish
I just want to moosh this guy's blobbulous cheeks. I'm not sure how much I'd enjoy keeping fish. I'm a little concerned that the novelty might wear off pretty quickly and that tank-cleaning duty would be a hassle. On the other hand, they are beautiful and soothing. They are quiet, they don't scratch or chew, and they don't shed.
You tell me: which pet should I get?
I always lived with at least one cat until Ken (Mr. Allergic) moved in. Since then I've had to make do with houseplants. There was that one winter when a snail lived in one of the potted plants that we brought in from the patio. Sammy. He was a good boy. He went back outdoors in the springtime and we never saw him again.
Then there were the Sea Monkeys, but they were neither cute nor cuddly. They were mainly a pain in the rear.
If Ken and I move into a bigger home next year, I'll be able to have a pet. We can designate a room for my hobbies, and Ken can stay away from it if there are furred or feathered creatures in there that make him sneezy. I've been considering my options.
1) Guinea Pig
Oops - wrong picture!
I meant:
Aw, isn't he/she cute? GP's are adorable, and unlike some other rodents they are sensible and do their sleeping at night. They are social animals, so if you want happy guinea pigs you need to put at least two together in the cage.
2) Bird:
I like the idea of having a really smart bird and teaching it to talk. On the other hand, I'd feel bad leaving such an intelligent creature locked up in a cage with nothing to do all day. I wouldn't be as interested in having a bird of ordinary intelligence. I prefer a pet that I can interact with. If I can't snuggle it, it had better be able to chat with me.
3) Hedgie
These guys are super-cute, and have some very handy qualities. They're not rodents, so you can let them out of their cage to have a stroll without worrying that they're going to make a beeline for your computer desk and chew through all the cables. Also, some of them can learn to use a litterbox. (Unfortunately you can't tell until you try if your hedgie will be cooperative in that department.) Also unfortunately, they are nocturnal, so you don't get much facetime during the day. Fortunately, however, they are solitary animals, so they don't mind hanging out all by themselves.
4) Chubby-face Fish
I just want to moosh this guy's blobbulous cheeks. I'm not sure how much I'd enjoy keeping fish. I'm a little concerned that the novelty might wear off pretty quickly and that tank-cleaning duty would be a hassle. On the other hand, they are beautiful and soothing. They are quiet, they don't scratch or chew, and they don't shed.
You tell me: which pet should I get?
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Investing
I almost got involved in a real estate investment. Last month I was hyped and ready to sign off on it, but Ken felt squeamish. Thank goodness for that. I mean, I don't think it was a scam, but it probably wasn't as good as it looked either.
This was the investment opportunity. The company, let's call them Big Grin Sales Inc., buys up oldish concrete high rise apartment buildings. They make some improvements to them, legally divide them into condo units, and sell the units to individual investors at a profit. It's the same idea as buying a large pizza for $5.99, dividing it into 12 slices, and selling the slices for $1 each. That's where BGS Inc. makes their money.
The units are legally transferred to investors, however the tenants who live in them remain. The tenants shouldn't notice any difference in their experience of living in the building, except maybe the lobby's a little spruced up. The tenants continue to pay rent every month, and that rent goes to pay off the investor's mortgage.
There's also a Rental Pool agreement. Let's say there are 100 condo units in the building, all owned by investors, and lived in by tenants. Everyone gets 100% of their rent every month. Then one tenant moves out, and that unit sits empty for 2 months until the management company finds someone else to live there. Instead of that one investor missing two months of rent while everyone else continues to collect, the loss is shared amongst all the investors. Everyone gets 99% of their rent until the vacancy is filled.
I had saved up some money and was looking for a safe place to invest it. These days you can't even keep it safe stuffed under your mattress, because inflation will eat away at its value. I'm totally over mutual funds. I held some in my RRSP for several years, and the value kept dropping. Every year I would complain to my bank and every year they would throw fancy phrases back at me. "Long haul investing!" "Dollar cost averaging!" Whatever. After the third year in a row of losing value, I cashed out and switched it all into GIC's. It's earning a pittance of interest, but at least it's not shrinking.
I get really annoyed with my bank. I'm a saver by nature, and when they see that they can't wait to get their hot little hands on my money. Every time my chequing account rises over a certain limit, I get a phone call from the bank. Some honey-voiced woman called "Melissa" or "Katie" helpfully wants to talk me into buying, you guessed it, mutual funds. It makes me want to punch them through the phone.
Anyhoo, due to Ken's reluctance, I looked into this real estate opportunity a little further. Amazingly, I found a couple of real estate lawyers willing to spend time giving me free advice over the telephone. Lawyers? Working for free? *shrugs* Just when you think you've seen everything...
The bottom line was that the rental pool condos don't tend to be a very liquid asset. Because they're just rental units, without their own washer and dryer, and lived in by tenants who may not take very good care of them, they're difficult to sell. You have to find someone else who wants in on the investment scheme. Either that or you take your chances ending up with a scruffy, cigarette-smoke-smelling unit that you could lose money on in a sale.
So I've pretty much given up on that idea and instead Ken and I are going to do our real estate investing by moving to a bigger home. We want to move from a two-bedroom flat into a three-bedroom townhouse in our current condo complex. Maybe sometime next summer. I'm already planning how I'm going to use all the extra space. So exciting! :-)
This was the investment opportunity. The company, let's call them Big Grin Sales Inc., buys up oldish concrete high rise apartment buildings. They make some improvements to them, legally divide them into condo units, and sell the units to individual investors at a profit. It's the same idea as buying a large pizza for $5.99, dividing it into 12 slices, and selling the slices for $1 each. That's where BGS Inc. makes their money.
The units are legally transferred to investors, however the tenants who live in them remain. The tenants shouldn't notice any difference in their experience of living in the building, except maybe the lobby's a little spruced up. The tenants continue to pay rent every month, and that rent goes to pay off the investor's mortgage.
There's also a Rental Pool agreement. Let's say there are 100 condo units in the building, all owned by investors, and lived in by tenants. Everyone gets 100% of their rent every month. Then one tenant moves out, and that unit sits empty for 2 months until the management company finds someone else to live there. Instead of that one investor missing two months of rent while everyone else continues to collect, the loss is shared amongst all the investors. Everyone gets 99% of their rent until the vacancy is filled.
I had saved up some money and was looking for a safe place to invest it. These days you can't even keep it safe stuffed under your mattress, because inflation will eat away at its value. I'm totally over mutual funds. I held some in my RRSP for several years, and the value kept dropping. Every year I would complain to my bank and every year they would throw fancy phrases back at me. "Long haul investing!" "Dollar cost averaging!" Whatever. After the third year in a row of losing value, I cashed out and switched it all into GIC's. It's earning a pittance of interest, but at least it's not shrinking.
I get really annoyed with my bank. I'm a saver by nature, and when they see that they can't wait to get their hot little hands on my money. Every time my chequing account rises over a certain limit, I get a phone call from the bank. Some honey-voiced woman called "Melissa" or "Katie" helpfully wants to talk me into buying, you guessed it, mutual funds. It makes me want to punch them through the phone.
Anyhoo, due to Ken's reluctance, I looked into this real estate opportunity a little further. Amazingly, I found a couple of real estate lawyers willing to spend time giving me free advice over the telephone. Lawyers? Working for free? *shrugs* Just when you think you've seen everything...
The bottom line was that the rental pool condos don't tend to be a very liquid asset. Because they're just rental units, without their own washer and dryer, and lived in by tenants who may not take very good care of them, they're difficult to sell. You have to find someone else who wants in on the investment scheme. Either that or you take your chances ending up with a scruffy, cigarette-smoke-smelling unit that you could lose money on in a sale.
So I've pretty much given up on that idea and instead Ken and I are going to do our real estate investing by moving to a bigger home. We want to move from a two-bedroom flat into a three-bedroom townhouse in our current condo complex. Maybe sometime next summer. I'm already planning how I'm going to use all the extra space. So exciting! :-)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Soft Skills
One of the "soft skills" I wish that we all learned in primary school is how to check in with each other on how we're feeling. It doesn't seem to be common knowledge in this culture we're living in. That's a shame, because it could help us to avoid a lot of stress and conflict.
Here's an example. I was at work, speaking with a woman to has a tendency towards sarcasm, and she made a comment which I wasn't sure how to take. I didn't know whether or not she was being sarcastic. I slept on it overnight, and when I woke up I still felt irked by what she might be implicating. So I asked her to speak with me in my office.
I said "Remember the other day when you said [insert ambiguous phrase here]?" She remembered. "Were you being sarcastic when you said that? Because I wasn't sure how to take it." She claimed that she was not being sarcastic. OK, I'm her boss, so maybe she had been sarcastic and wasn't owning it, but I still felt better for having spoken with her. I got my bad feelings off my chest without attacking her for them, and she had a chance to either clear up the misunderstanding, or gracefully take an out while still getting the message that I wasn't happy with what she said. It was a win-win situation, and when we were all done there were no more ugly feelings kicking around underfoot.
Whenever possible, I train my staff to check in with each other. Sometimes when I have to facilitate a conflict that involves a long history of people getting on each others' nerves, I simply have them both agree to call a time-out when things are starting to escalate. Either one of them can say "Hold on a minute. I feel like you're getting upset with me. What's going on?" or "Woah, you just raised your voice. Do you want to take a break and come back and speak with me when you've calmed down?" The point is not to be condescending, but to be genuinely concerned and helpful. If it doesn't work, they can get me involved.
Just the other day I discovered that sparks had flown between Employee X and Employee Y. X was in Y's office, doing something that was a part of her job. Y felt that X was not respecting Y's personal boundaries. Y therefore felt justified in speaking to X with an offensive attitude. X hadn't had any intention of causing offence, therefore she felt unjustly attacked, and snapped back. Y, who felt that X had it coming, didn't back down. It ended with bad feelings on both sides.
When the exchange was reported to me, I assured Y that, while I could see her side of the story, I knew X well enough to vouch for the fact that she would not deliberately cross Y's boundaries. I explained to Y that X is one of those people who doesn't naturally have a good sense of boundaries, but that once they are explicitly explained to her, she'll respect them. I said to Y that X would probably put her foot in it again, because she's done that regularly around the office, but if Y could just approach her gently next time, and check in before attacking, I was sure things could be resolved peacefully. Y agreed to give it a try. I assured Y that if X was uncooperative I would personally sort things out.
We could all benefit from taking a breather before going on the attack. We could all benefit from checking in with others before acting on the assumption that they meant to push our buttons. It's as much of a benefit in one's personal life as it is at work. I don't manage to do it all the time, but when I fail, there's always that other technique: offering an apology and asking for a do-over.
Can you imagine if we all learned these things in primary school? I didn't pick up the techniques until I was a student at a psychotherapy school a few years ago. It's so blindingly obvious once someone shows you how to do it, but until then, we struggle and get hurt. Spread the word!
Here's an example. I was at work, speaking with a woman to has a tendency towards sarcasm, and she made a comment which I wasn't sure how to take. I didn't know whether or not she was being sarcastic. I slept on it overnight, and when I woke up I still felt irked by what she might be implicating. So I asked her to speak with me in my office.
I said "Remember the other day when you said [insert ambiguous phrase here]?" She remembered. "Were you being sarcastic when you said that? Because I wasn't sure how to take it." She claimed that she was not being sarcastic. OK, I'm her boss, so maybe she had been sarcastic and wasn't owning it, but I still felt better for having spoken with her. I got my bad feelings off my chest without attacking her for them, and she had a chance to either clear up the misunderstanding, or gracefully take an out while still getting the message that I wasn't happy with what she said. It was a win-win situation, and when we were all done there were no more ugly feelings kicking around underfoot.
Whenever possible, I train my staff to check in with each other. Sometimes when I have to facilitate a conflict that involves a long history of people getting on each others' nerves, I simply have them both agree to call a time-out when things are starting to escalate. Either one of them can say "Hold on a minute. I feel like you're getting upset with me. What's going on?" or "Woah, you just raised your voice. Do you want to take a break and come back and speak with me when you've calmed down?" The point is not to be condescending, but to be genuinely concerned and helpful. If it doesn't work, they can get me involved.
Just the other day I discovered that sparks had flown between Employee X and Employee Y. X was in Y's office, doing something that was a part of her job. Y felt that X was not respecting Y's personal boundaries. Y therefore felt justified in speaking to X with an offensive attitude. X hadn't had any intention of causing offence, therefore she felt unjustly attacked, and snapped back. Y, who felt that X had it coming, didn't back down. It ended with bad feelings on both sides.
When the exchange was reported to me, I assured Y that, while I could see her side of the story, I knew X well enough to vouch for the fact that she would not deliberately cross Y's boundaries. I explained to Y that X is one of those people who doesn't naturally have a good sense of boundaries, but that once they are explicitly explained to her, she'll respect them. I said to Y that X would probably put her foot in it again, because she's done that regularly around the office, but if Y could just approach her gently next time, and check in before attacking, I was sure things could be resolved peacefully. Y agreed to give it a try. I assured Y that if X was uncooperative I would personally sort things out.
We could all benefit from taking a breather before going on the attack. We could all benefit from checking in with others before acting on the assumption that they meant to push our buttons. It's as much of a benefit in one's personal life as it is at work. I don't manage to do it all the time, but when I fail, there's always that other technique: offering an apology and asking for a do-over.
Can you imagine if we all learned these things in primary school? I didn't pick up the techniques until I was a student at a psychotherapy school a few years ago. It's so blindingly obvious once someone shows you how to do it, but until then, we struggle and get hurt. Spread the word!
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Funwashing
My workplace is in transition from being a small, family-owned business to becoming a proper, corporate environment. We are having some growing pains. To help us out, my bosses hired a consultant to offer helpful suggestions, and brainwash the employees.
Note: Names of people and programs in this post have been changed to protect... me.
The consultant, I'll call him Barry, gave a long presentation to the entire company about his program of improvement, which is called "Think Like a Boss". The goal of the program is to improve the business's profitability while at the same time improving the workplace environment for the employees. Everyone is supposed to have loads of FUN implementing the Action Plans.
Barry had some sensible ideas to offer. For example, he made the point to everyone on staff that "entitlement" is a problem He defined "entitlement" as "feeling that one deserves a reward without having worked for it or otherwise fulfilled the criteria of being deserving of said reward". For example, the employee who feels it's unfair that he didn't get the promotion to a management position, because he's been working for the company longer than the person who was promoted.
Maybe working for some companies is so much like being in jail that "time served" is all it takes to move ahead. Not where I work, thank God. There are a few other items to consider, such as organizational skills, the ability to stay calm under stress, communication skills, patience, etc. So that was a point that I agreed with.
Other points, not so much. For example, in a smaller meeting with the Key Personnel in the organization, Barry gave us guff for not having a marketing plan. We do have a marketing consultant who does work for us on an as-needed basis, but there's no plan in place. Barry looked at all of those assembled, expecting someone to put up his or her hand to volunteer as the leader of the Marketing Plan Team. We all sat on our hands.
When Barry didn't get the message that none of us had the time or expertise to take on the project, I stated this directly. "Oh," he said, "marketing's easy. There's nothing to it! I can give you the four main points of marketing right now." I sat up in my chair, prepared to be enlightened. "All you need to know is Who, Where, When, and How!" proclaimed Barry. And that was all he had to say to me on the subject.
Um, say what was that now? Some flaming b.s., is what it was. I shot back at him "But you could say that about anything!" I mean, heck, why don't we plan a trip to the moon? After all, all we need to know is Who is going (us), Where we're going (the moon), When (a.s.a.p.) and How (with some metal, a soldering iron, and team spirit). Right?
The other thing is that he wanted us to give cute names to all our Action Items. For example, we could call a paper-saving plan "If a Tree Falls in the Forest, We Hear!" Because, as all y'all know, that's how to make things FUN! *epic eyeroll*
Anyhoo, the bottom line is that I believe the program will be good for the company, if we can get past the goofy parts. I also like Barry a lot. His enthusiasm is genuine, and he was very patient with the Key Personnel and our huge collective load of cynicism. The proof will be in the pudding. (Mmmm.... pudding...)
Note: Names of people and programs in this post have been changed to protect... me.
The consultant, I'll call him Barry, gave a long presentation to the entire company about his program of improvement, which is called "Think Like a Boss". The goal of the program is to improve the business's profitability while at the same time improving the workplace environment for the employees. Everyone is supposed to have loads of FUN implementing the Action Plans.
Barry had some sensible ideas to offer. For example, he made the point to everyone on staff that "entitlement" is a problem He defined "entitlement" as "feeling that one deserves a reward without having worked for it or otherwise fulfilled the criteria of being deserving of said reward". For example, the employee who feels it's unfair that he didn't get the promotion to a management position, because he's been working for the company longer than the person who was promoted.
Maybe working for some companies is so much like being in jail that "time served" is all it takes to move ahead. Not where I work, thank God. There are a few other items to consider, such as organizational skills, the ability to stay calm under stress, communication skills, patience, etc. So that was a point that I agreed with.
Other points, not so much. For example, in a smaller meeting with the Key Personnel in the organization, Barry gave us guff for not having a marketing plan. We do have a marketing consultant who does work for us on an as-needed basis, but there's no plan in place. Barry looked at all of those assembled, expecting someone to put up his or her hand to volunteer as the leader of the Marketing Plan Team. We all sat on our hands.
When Barry didn't get the message that none of us had the time or expertise to take on the project, I stated this directly. "Oh," he said, "marketing's easy. There's nothing to it! I can give you the four main points of marketing right now." I sat up in my chair, prepared to be enlightened. "All you need to know is Who, Where, When, and How!" proclaimed Barry. And that was all he had to say to me on the subject.
Um, say what was that now? Some flaming b.s., is what it was. I shot back at him "But you could say that about anything!" I mean, heck, why don't we plan a trip to the moon? After all, all we need to know is Who is going (us), Where we're going (the moon), When (a.s.a.p.) and How (with some metal, a soldering iron, and team spirit). Right?
The other thing is that he wanted us to give cute names to all our Action Items. For example, we could call a paper-saving plan "If a Tree Falls in the Forest, We Hear!" Because, as all y'all know, that's how to make things FUN! *epic eyeroll*
Anyhoo, the bottom line is that I believe the program will be good for the company, if we can get past the goofy parts. I also like Barry a lot. His enthusiasm is genuine, and he was very patient with the Key Personnel and our huge collective load of cynicism. The proof will be in the pudding. (Mmmm.... pudding...)
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thoughts of the Week
1) I have a favourite pair of comfy pants and a favourite comfy shirt that I wear around the house. I bought them from different stores at different times. They both developed holes this week. :-( What is up with that? *sulks*
2) On Thursday I was exposed to undercooked chicken, courtesy of a catered lunch at my workplace. Among the other dishes, there were cubes of meat that had obviously been cooked on kebab skewers. I took four. Because I'm kind of paranoid about food that I haven't prepared myself, I cut them in half before I ate them. The last one was red inside. Not pink, not ambiguous - full-on raw. Then I couldn't remember if I'd checked all of the other pieces. I felt a little nauseated and nervous. So did the people around me, who'd been merrily eating away without a care in the world until that moment. I Googled "salmonella" and found that it normally has an incubation period of 6 - 72 hours. I am now at hour 73! And I'm fine! Take that, salmonella.
3) I've been doing a lot of hiring at work recently; I've filled three positions in the past month. In one of my latest interviews, one of the candidates had worked for a fancy retail store with a three-syllable name. She consistently mispronounced the name of the store throughout the interview. Wow. Just, wow. Well, that was an easy way to eliminate a candidate. (And yes, English was her first language.)
4) Relative to my husband and parents, I would describe myself politically as a left-leaning moderate. However, the limits of my leftiness have been tested recently by our free, promotional subscription to the Toronto Star, Toronto's lefty daily newspaper. Every year or two they drop it off on our doorstep for a couple of months gratis, and then they call and try to talk us into a continued subscription. Ha! Not happening. I just can't get with their point of view. For example, they wrote an article about a "Pumpkin Parade" that's a tradition in a neighbourhood park. It used to be that people would show up with jack-o-lanterns to display, everyone would admire them, and in the morning city workers would show up to remove all the pumpkins from the park. The city says they will no longer pay for the clean-up. The citizens are pouting. Hey, I have an idea: clean up your own mess! Everyone who wants to contribute a pumpkin can write their name on it with a marker, and in the morning they're responsible for returning to the park to dispose of their pumpkin. Remember kids: it's your job to clean up your own toys! Are you guys with me on this?
5) I don't know who curates the contributions to The Meta Picture, but a lot of them really tickle my funny bone. Like this one. Or this one. And this one. Have fun!
2) On Thursday I was exposed to undercooked chicken, courtesy of a catered lunch at my workplace. Among the other dishes, there were cubes of meat that had obviously been cooked on kebab skewers. I took four. Because I'm kind of paranoid about food that I haven't prepared myself, I cut them in half before I ate them. The last one was red inside. Not pink, not ambiguous - full-on raw. Then I couldn't remember if I'd checked all of the other pieces. I felt a little nauseated and nervous. So did the people around me, who'd been merrily eating away without a care in the world until that moment. I Googled "salmonella" and found that it normally has an incubation period of 6 - 72 hours. I am now at hour 73! And I'm fine! Take that, salmonella.
3) I've been doing a lot of hiring at work recently; I've filled three positions in the past month. In one of my latest interviews, one of the candidates had worked for a fancy retail store with a three-syllable name. She consistently mispronounced the name of the store throughout the interview. Wow. Just, wow. Well, that was an easy way to eliminate a candidate. (And yes, English was her first language.)
4) Relative to my husband and parents, I would describe myself politically as a left-leaning moderate. However, the limits of my leftiness have been tested recently by our free, promotional subscription to the Toronto Star, Toronto's lefty daily newspaper. Every year or two they drop it off on our doorstep for a couple of months gratis, and then they call and try to talk us into a continued subscription. Ha! Not happening. I just can't get with their point of view. For example, they wrote an article about a "Pumpkin Parade" that's a tradition in a neighbourhood park. It used to be that people would show up with jack-o-lanterns to display, everyone would admire them, and in the morning city workers would show up to remove all the pumpkins from the park. The city says they will no longer pay for the clean-up. The citizens are pouting. Hey, I have an idea: clean up your own mess! Everyone who wants to contribute a pumpkin can write their name on it with a marker, and in the morning they're responsible for returning to the park to dispose of their pumpkin. Remember kids: it's your job to clean up your own toys! Are you guys with me on this?
5) I don't know who curates the contributions to The Meta Picture, but a lot of them really tickle my funny bone. Like this one. Or this one. And this one. Have fun!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Toner Bomb
I work with a woman; let's call her Stella. Stella was using one of our fax machines when it ran out of toner. She retrieved a fresh bottle of toner from the supplies cabinet, gave it a little shake, and installed it in the machine.
The machine said "I am out of toner. Give me toner." Stella said "I just gave you a bottle of toner." The machine said "Give me toner or I will not perform any further duties."
Stella reasoned that that particular bottle of toner must be faulty, so she retrieved a different bottle from the supplies cabinet, gave it a little shake, and installed it in the machine. The machine said "I am all out of toner. How do you expect me to print anything for you when I don't have any toner?" Stella said "I have just given you a second, brand new bottle of toner. What more do you want from me?" The machine answered "I must have toner, woman. Give me toner or give me death."
Stella retrieved the third, and last, spare bottle of toner from the supplies cabinet. As indicated on the instructions, she gave it a little shake and installed it in the machine. The machine said "Why do you deprive me so? All I ask for is a little toner so that I can do my job. Do you delight in my empty cartridge? Are you mocking me?" Stella said "I promise you, I am trying to give you toner. Can't you acknowledge the new bottle I just put into you?" The machine wouldn't answer her.
Stella, according to her version of the story, then presumed that she must not have shaken the bottles of toner with sufficient vigour to activate them. She removed the third new bottle, replaced the lid firmly (she claims), and then shook it very vigorously.
The lid flew off. The plastic dispenser under the lid also flew off.
A huge plume of super-fine toner dust exploded into the copy room and spread out like a mushroom cloud. Stella froze. The haze of particles swirled lazily, and slowly began to settle. Stella paused for one moment, in the evil inverse of a well-shaken snow globe, and then ran from the room.
Due to the laws of aerodynamics, a considerable amount of black toner cloud was sucked from the room into the hallway, in Stella's slipstream.
By the time the dust cloud had settled, there was a big, BIG mess. Toner all over the floor, the walls, the surfaces, the copy machine, the papers that were spread out on the file cabinets. The layer of toner under the epicentre of the explosion was thick, splashed out in an uneven star shape, as though there had been an actual fire that had burned its mark into the floor.
Of course it was my responsibility to deal with the problem.
First I called the technician that services the machine. He said he'd get there as soon as he could. (That turned out to be 2.5 business days later. Nice service, guys!)
I also called the guy who runs our cleaning service. He said "Hey, no problem, I have a shop-vac with a HEPA filter. We'll have you ship-shape by tomorrow." (You can't use a regular vacuum to clean up a big toner spill because the fine powder will sift through the bag into the motor and break it.) I felt extremely relieved to learn that he could help me.
I came in the next morning and the room looked exactly the same. I called the cleaner and he said "We had a little problem with the shop vac. I think I have another one in storage. I'll try again tonight."
At this point I was desperate to get the situation cleaned up. The mess in the hall was getting tracked all over the office, and we were missing the use of the copy room. You can't sweep toner (it's too fine) or clean it up with water (it turns into black paint), so I did the only thing I could think of. I went to the store and bought a 32-pack of Swiffer (TM) dusting cloths. Then a co-worker and I put on masks and rubber gloves and went down on our hands and knees to Swiffer the floor.
We used up the 32 dusting cloths in pretty short order. We managed to clean up a little less than half of the mess. My mask wasn't very well-fitted. I had a sinus headache that evening, and I sneezed toner dust for a few hours.
Thank heaven, my cleaner's second shop vac did the trick. I arrived the next morning to a perfectly clean copy room. Apparently I needn't have bothered with the Swiffers. However, in case you ever run across a similar situation, they are pretty handy at picking up toner. I just wouldn't recommend them for the scale of the explosion in my particular case.
The machine said "I am out of toner. Give me toner." Stella said "I just gave you a bottle of toner." The machine said "Give me toner or I will not perform any further duties."
Stella reasoned that that particular bottle of toner must be faulty, so she retrieved a different bottle from the supplies cabinet, gave it a little shake, and installed it in the machine. The machine said "I am all out of toner. How do you expect me to print anything for you when I don't have any toner?" Stella said "I have just given you a second, brand new bottle of toner. What more do you want from me?" The machine answered "I must have toner, woman. Give me toner or give me death."
Stella retrieved the third, and last, spare bottle of toner from the supplies cabinet. As indicated on the instructions, she gave it a little shake and installed it in the machine. The machine said "Why do you deprive me so? All I ask for is a little toner so that I can do my job. Do you delight in my empty cartridge? Are you mocking me?" Stella said "I promise you, I am trying to give you toner. Can't you acknowledge the new bottle I just put into you?" The machine wouldn't answer her.
Stella, according to her version of the story, then presumed that she must not have shaken the bottles of toner with sufficient vigour to activate them. She removed the third new bottle, replaced the lid firmly (she claims), and then shook it very vigorously.
The lid flew off. The plastic dispenser under the lid also flew off.
A huge plume of super-fine toner dust exploded into the copy room and spread out like a mushroom cloud. Stella froze. The haze of particles swirled lazily, and slowly began to settle. Stella paused for one moment, in the evil inverse of a well-shaken snow globe, and then ran from the room.
Due to the laws of aerodynamics, a considerable amount of black toner cloud was sucked from the room into the hallway, in Stella's slipstream.
By the time the dust cloud had settled, there was a big, BIG mess. Toner all over the floor, the walls, the surfaces, the copy machine, the papers that were spread out on the file cabinets. The layer of toner under the epicentre of the explosion was thick, splashed out in an uneven star shape, as though there had been an actual fire that had burned its mark into the floor.
Of course it was my responsibility to deal with the problem.
First I called the technician that services the machine. He said he'd get there as soon as he could. (That turned out to be 2.5 business days later. Nice service, guys!)
I also called the guy who runs our cleaning service. He said "Hey, no problem, I have a shop-vac with a HEPA filter. We'll have you ship-shape by tomorrow." (You can't use a regular vacuum to clean up a big toner spill because the fine powder will sift through the bag into the motor and break it.) I felt extremely relieved to learn that he could help me.
I came in the next morning and the room looked exactly the same. I called the cleaner and he said "We had a little problem with the shop vac. I think I have another one in storage. I'll try again tonight."
At this point I was desperate to get the situation cleaned up. The mess in the hall was getting tracked all over the office, and we were missing the use of the copy room. You can't sweep toner (it's too fine) or clean it up with water (it turns into black paint), so I did the only thing I could think of. I went to the store and bought a 32-pack of Swiffer (TM) dusting cloths. Then a co-worker and I put on masks and rubber gloves and went down on our hands and knees to Swiffer the floor.
We used up the 32 dusting cloths in pretty short order. We managed to clean up a little less than half of the mess. My mask wasn't very well-fitted. I had a sinus headache that evening, and I sneezed toner dust for a few hours.
Thank heaven, my cleaner's second shop vac did the trick. I arrived the next morning to a perfectly clean copy room. Apparently I needn't have bothered with the Swiffers. However, in case you ever run across a similar situation, they are pretty handy at picking up toner. I just wouldn't recommend them for the scale of the explosion in my particular case.
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