Friday, November 7, 2008

Permission to Ramble

Usually, I hold myself to a high standard of blog-writing. I like to plan my piece ahead of time, maybe spend a few days mulling it over. When the idea has ripened inside my head I type it out, and then I subject it to a review process. If I'm not 100% happy with what I've written, I let it sit as a draft for a while until I can figure out what I need to change.

This week, I don't have it in me to be that mentally organized. I'm maxed out. There's been so much going on in my life that my brain has reached its processing limit. My immediate consciousness is floating on a sea of STUFF.

Some of the stuff is good. Some of it is not so good. It's all interesting. My life has certainly been rich with experiences lately. There are numerous things I'd like to write about, but I'm so fried that I don't think I could do any of them justice. I could easily write a full post or more about any of the following, if my brain was working better:

I've done a couple of shifts in Babyland, my church's nursery for the 0-3 years age group. The experiences I'm having there would come as no surprise to parents, but for me it's like taking a trip to an alien planet. I haven't babysat in around 20 years, therefore it's been approximately that long since I've had any meaningful contact with babies. Let me tell you, the babies are blowing my mind.

Last weekend, on the same day that I shot a gun for the first time in my life, I went to a giant Christian song-and-dance extravaganza in Toronto's domed stadium. People were jumping up and praising the Lord! The teenagers in front of me were dancing and clapping. The man two seats down from me wept. The woman on my other side sat primly with her hands folded in her lap the whole time. It was a huge, bizarre, unprecendented... I don't know how to quantify it. I can't explain how I felt. Glad that I went, and other than that, many mixed feelings. It was a trip down the rabbit hole, that's for sure.

(I have yet to experience people speaking in tongues or rolling on the floor. That is something I really want to see for myself someday. I am very curious.)

I'm still helping my parents, mostly my mom, with their divorce. I had to write a letter to my mom's lawyer outlining my step-dad's business interests. I don't know how to feel about that either. Stuck in the middle, I guess.

Ken and I are more than halfway through packing up my step-dad's stuff. That's good news: progress. But I'm getting burned out on the process, so we're going to take a break from it for a few weeks. I haven't even told my mom yet. It' s just too hard, all the emotions that come up while we're going through his things, and how upset my mom gets, even though she tries not to show it. We only pack for around 2 hours each weekend (time limit imposed due to Ken's allergies combined with my mom's cats), but even that has become too much. I just can't face it right now.

Work has been insanely busy. On top of that, there are multiple emotionally intense situations going on at work that I'm involved in. Staff quarrelling and I need to facilitate a solution. Pressure from the doctors. Major protocol changes. Significant physical reorganization of the workspace.

On top of that, someone, with the best of intentions, outted me to my colleagues. By this I mean: I had only spoken to one person in my workplace regarding my new faith in God, and church attendance. Something happened that is a very long story, and it was the right thing at the time, but events transpired that revealed my new faith to the people I work closest with, all on the same day. I felt like I was walking around work naked, it was that exposing.

Is there more? Probably. There's always something. But I'm writing this on a lunch break and my time is now up. You get the picture.

Please pray or cross your fingers for me to get my marbles back into my head as soon as possible. Thank you!


Nilsa said...

Wow. You've got a lot going on. I still find it really interesting to follow you on your religious journey (or at least what you choose to share here). You have every reason to take a break from going through your step-father's belongings. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can do it themselves. And finally, the work thing. That's tough. Hopefully, people will see you are a good person with good intentions ... and what you do on your own time is no business of theirs. Be good to you.

Karen said...

Well. You are the opposite of me with your posts. I sit down and type whatever flows out of me. Well, I do keep a list of topics when I think of them, but in general I am off the cuff.

Sounds like you are crazy busy these days.

Logan said...

You were @ HR last wknd? Me too! It was an experience.
You DO have a lotta stuff goin' on, girl. You need a vacay in sunny climes. Some prayers will be offered for you.
And if you're concerned about the quality of your writing in stream-of-consciousness or off-the-cuff, I tinks it's different, but still fully lucid and artful.

desi said...

My dad was raised with speaking in tongues and rolling around being pretty standard. He doesn't believe in God, but I do. He thought raising me without mentioning God would generate an atheist, too, but it just left me to make my own decision.

I never even think about the words. I write what I feel.

unsigned said...

I will pray for you!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Sending out good thoughts for you. I sit down at my blog and write away without any planning, as I'm sure most everyone can tell. I witnessed speaking in tongues once at my brothers church and it was a surreal experience that's for sure. I wish I had it on tape for analysis it sounded really cool.

Sabrae said...

I wasn't sure that a person could be that mentally prepared to write a blog! You need to come to the states and teach me that concept! Things will get better for you! It is a lot to take in with everything going on. And the speaking in tounges thing isn't all that spectacular to watch... I've seen it done a few times but have always been taught that if there isn't an interpetur around to tell you what that person is saying then not to praise the person becuz you don't know if the tounge he is speaking in is blashfumus (sp) or not. Hang in there! :)

Nicole said...

That sure is a lot of stuff going on.
I keep my fingers crossed for your sanity!
Regarding people at work.
I gave up trusting anyone there a long time ago (not that I have a work place any more to begin with)

Sparkling Red said...

Nilsa: Fortunately, everyone at work had a positive reaction to finding out about my faith. People want to talk about it with me now, which is nice. I was scared of what they would think, and that day was really stressful, but now that it's out it's actually a relief. :-)

Karen: If my life doesn't slow down, I think I'll be employing the "off the cuff" writing strategy, if I want to keep this blog going! And I most definitely want to keep this blog going.

Logan: I'd love a chance to talk with you about Heaven's Rehearsal. It was really something!
Thanks in advance for the prayers. :-)

Desi: Thinking about the words is a leftover from my English Major days. I even did some training to become a professional editor, although I didn't pursue that. It's tough to let it go, but probably a good challenge for me to let go of perfectionism.

Unsigned: Thank you!

Ron: I really like the stream-of-consciousness quality of your blog. I'm so sure that I'd like you in person because I already know how you think. :-)

Sabrae: I never thought about that. I guess it's like if anyone is talking in a foreign language - they could be cussing you out and you'd never know. Hmmm....

Nicole: Workplaces are notoriously like dysfunctional families. It's tough to build trust with colleagues at the same time as keeping appropriate professional boundaries. I find it's an everyday challenge.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I never knew there was a translation after speaking in tongues, but did witness that too. For a moment I was afraid that person would turn and point at me in the back road and start giving me hell :)

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: Woah. If that happened to me, I think I would instantly die of fright.

Aurora said...

it's impossible to be completely organized, and I mean that on every level. Beginnings are always particularly messy. It strikes me that you're beginning a new phase--being a Christian--and a certain amount of messiness is to be expected. As well, everyone else is somewhat messy in their own way--hopefully we can live with everyone's messiness to an extent.