Family Gossip

Generally speaking I don't like to use my blog as a soapbox to gossip about people who aren't present to defend themselves. Except for sometimes, when I'm really, really peeved. Like now.

I figure that venting my spleen anonymously is better than blowing up at family members or having a nervous breakdown.

There is always tension in the air when my mom's side of my family gets together. We are a sensitive lot, and moody. At any given time there's usually at least one person feeling upset about something or other. That's why it's hard to know where it all began, exactly. But let's begin with my wedding.

Ken and I only invited siblings and parents to our wedding. That's all Ken has for family anyway. On my side, it meant that quite a lot of people were excluded. My maternal grandparents very graciously gave me a card and a gift cheque, with their best wishes. My younger aunt didn't give me any Things, but did call the night before the ceremony to wish us well. My older aunt and her husband didn't call or give a gift, which was what I expected, and felt to be perfectly reasonable.

My mother, who has had lifelong conflicts with my older aunt and her husband, felt this was selfish of them. She thought that they should have at least given me a card. She communicated this sentiment to my step-dad (yes, the very one she's currently divorcing). He works with my uncle in a family business, so he did us the big favour of passing this tidbit along to my uncle. Unfortunately, a broken telephone effect occurred, and my uncle ended up with the impression that I was that one who had taken offense. Which he, of course, found offensive.

When this all came back to me, again courtesy of my well-meaning but meddling step-dad, I thought I'd better set things to rights, so I called my aunt and uncle's home straightaway. I spoke to my uncle. We worked out that they weren't offended by either my conversion to Christianity or the lack of wedding invitations, so that was all good. But he did still have a bone to pick with me.

I moved into my current condo three years ago. It's not big enough to hold my entire family for a sit-down meal at one time, so once I was settled in, I invited them over in two batches. The first group to get invited was my mom, my grandparents, and my mom's single younger sister. That made six of us around the table.

It was a very busy time for me, not incidentally because I was working a lot of stressful overtime for my uncle's business that year. I was very devoted to that job because of my strong value for family connections. In any case, it took me a few weeks after the first dinner to find another clear date in my planner, at which time I invited my aunt, uncle, and my cousins for dinner.

My aunt and uncle claimed to be too busy to commit to a dinner date. I told them to let me know when they were free to come over, as they were welcome anytime that I was available. They never called me back to set a date. I was mildly put off by this apparent lack of interest in my hospitality, but I frankly find hosting dinners, especially family dinners, to be a source of anxiety, so I didn't chase after them.

Last night I found out from my uncle that he and my aunt have been holding a grudge against me for three years because of those events. Here is my crime in their eyes: I didn't call them when I invited my mom, grandparents and other aunt to dinner, to explain to them why they weren't invited at the same time. I "went behind their backs" (my uncle's words) to invite the other family members first, which made them feel that they were "on the B list" and this was highly offensive. So offensive that they deliberately refused to come over for dinner.

I tried to explain that I meant no offense. But that wasn't good enough. My uncle accused me of being insensitive. Later I received an e-mail from my aunt echoing his sentiments. Neither of them were interested in accepting my apologies for unintentionally hurting their feelings. They would rather hold a grudge. Not only that, but each of them also managed to get in a few choice judgements on how I live my life and how they feel I've been a failure to my family.

In fact, my uncle was so enthused about telling me all my wrong-doings that he repeatedly interrupted me during our phone conversation, only allowing me to finish around half of my sentences. Eventually I just gave up.

I have some judgements about their lives that I could have thrown back in their faces. But once I started down that road it would be like lighting the fuse on a bomb that would blow up the whole family for months to come. These things always affect my mother much more than they affect me, so out of respect for her feelings and out of a desire to protect her from unnecessary pain, I zipped up my lips and said only positive, soothing things.

Of course I was hurt, and furious.

Since then I've been wrestling with the pressure of things left unsaid seething around inside my psyche. But time does pass, and this is only a tempest in a teapot that will seem sillier with each passing day. I hope. I did write an e-mail back to my aunt that was an attempt at being conciliatory. I said that I hoped we could just try to focus on each other's good points, and enjoy each other's company, so that we could have friendly family gatherings in the future. Knowing my aunt, she may find something to take offense at in my message. She's an expert in taking offense.

Finally, I should add that both my aunt and uncle did say that they love me, and that no matter what we'll always be family. I got the feeling their version of love consists of them feeling that they need to work to tolerate my difficult and ignorant behaviour, but they are such good people that they will try to be brave and put up with me. I didn't say it, but the feeling is mutual.