Sunday, September 6, 2009


I have a good life, and I know it. But right now, I'm struggling.

All last week I had just enough energy to work for around 6 hours each day, and then come home and crash out. Except the one day I came home at 4pm, had a nap for 45 minutes, then glued my contact lenses back onto my tired eyeballs and went out for an evening work event. All I had to do was sit around, eat a nice dinner, and make pleasant conversation. How could that be tiring? I don't know. But it was.

Saturday was my catch-up-on-rest day. I slept for twelve hours on Friday night, and then had a long nap on Saturday afternoon. I had made a deal with myself that I would be feeling good by Sunday. I could feel my energy returning, and I knew that it would just take one good rest to get back to myself. I was looking forward to that as my reward for suffering patiently all month with the stupid virus.

My energy did come back, but not how I wanted it to. For the two weeks before I caught the virus, I had anxiety and insomnia. It came back during the brief break between when I initially got sick and when I got re-sick. And now, you guessed it, it's back again.

Last night I woke up at 4:15 am. It wasn't just one of those jet-laggy wake-ups that happen when you've been sleeping too much during the day. It was a full-on stomach-clenching, eye-squeezing, tearful, lengthy anxiety attack. I won't say panic attack - it wasn't that severe. But it was pretty freaking uncomfortable. And unpleasantly familiar.

Great. I finally get over my illness. Now I have enough energy to go back to having anxiety and insomnia. Perfect.

I know, I know. Maybe it's just a one-off. Maybe I'm just re-adjusting to normality. I shouldn't catastrophize and assume that this is how it's going to be for the rest of the week/month/my whole pitiful life. (Yes, I am feeling a little sorry for myself.) But it's getting harder and harder to pick my chin up off the ground and keep going. The boundary between my dark thoughts and my conscious control is getting mightily thin.


Claire said...

Oh sweetie, that's really rough. I'll be praying for you.


powdergirl said...

Well that sucks. You don't sound so good and I can see why. Your energy is all messed up and its working against you.

This may sound like a silly idea, and I talk about it all the time, but I can't help it because it works for me.

Have you tried B- complex in large doses?
You'll pee neon, which is in itself kind of amusing, but it may settle you down quite a bit, it certainly won't hurt you.

Without it, I would have spit my own teeth out a few times by now. Or fallen off a cliff from anxiety related vertigo. It really does smooth down the edges.

Hope you're feeling better soon, and I really hope you'll try this simple remedy.

DarcsFalcon said...

Oh sweetie - I'm so sorry you're still feeling under the weather. Your body is still trying to recover - it can take weeks after a flu bout. Your friend is right about the B complex vitamins - they'll help with energy. A multi vitamin wouldn't hurt either.

I'll keep you in my prayers. I know this time is difficult but remember, this too shall pass. *hug*

Kate said...

I struggled with my anxiety, depression and insomnia for years and years and I finally take medication for it. I know that's not the route everyone needs or even wants to go, but it is what allows me to stay somewhat sane. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Ditto here for the prayers, hon. Hang in there. It'll get better, I know it will, it's just hanging on until the "when" kicks over.

San said...

Spark, I've been feeling a bit exhausted of late, but not because of illness, just because of busy-ness--at work and at home. Tiredness takes it toll on the soul as well as the body.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I wish you uninterrupted sleep filled with peaceful, healing dreams...

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Hoping you are getting time this weekend to get some rest and get back to normal. {HUGS}

Scarlet said...

It seems the more I do, the more anxious I get, so I can relate to how the lack of sleep or your busyness can cause insomnia. The anxiety usually happens because of the if you get some rest you're less likely to be anxious. I take half an ambien when that happens and sit down with a good book. Within days I'm better. I hope you find your own cure and I will be praying that you get the rest and peace you need.

Buzzardbilly said...

When was the last time you saw your doctor for bloodwork and stuff?

What you described could be thyroid hormones being off in one direction or the other, thus making depression/anxiety/insomnia worse. It might not, either, but it doesn't hurt to check.

Either way, hugs and a wish for you to get back to feeling better.

ghwace said...

aw, i had experienced a bit of these mixed emotions, a week ago, but good thing im feeling better now! i hope you do the same!

have a nice day!

NicoleB said...

Oh shucks.
Hope you get out of it.
Maybe you guys should take a little vacation somewhere away from it all?

Jenski said...

Blech. Any sense of what causes your anxiety attacks? I had a DIFFICULT time accepting the flu and its aftermath because I was desperately trying to finish my dissertation. I just decided that the flu was going to be my mental break and I would just have to catch up with stuff when I was better.

Great mental break, huh? :-)