The Bachelorette

"Alright everyone, show me your sexy stripper walk! Toe to heel, swing those hips, chest out, butt out!" The zaftig woman in black leggings and tight black T-shirt bellowed directions over loud clubby music as a dozen thirty-something women paraded in a circle around a dance studio filled with brass stripper poles. "Okay now, start crossing one foot in front of the other as you walk!" shouted the instructress.

My brain overloaded as I tried to obey all the directions while keeping up with the woman in front of me. I stumbled and almost fell over. I was not wearing 4-inch heels. I was walking in stocking feet on a level floor. I felt neither graceful nor coordinated as I wobble-waved my arms just to stay standing.

This was my Saturday. A bachelorette party for a girlfriend. Four of her grad-school lady-buddies had cooked up an entire day's schedule of supposedly raunchy fun. So I found myself in an intro to pole- and lap-dancing class with ten women I'd never met before. When we were asked to partner up, I introduced myself to Helen. Within five minutes we were practicing lap dances on each other. If you think this was a sexy experience, you'd be dead wrong. The proper word to describe it was AWKWARD, like that, in all caps. Hello shy person I've just met, don't mind if I sit on your lap. And sure, feel free to shake your boobs in my face, I guess. Are we done yet?

The pole dancing part was more fun. We learned how to twirl around the pole with both feet off the floor. It's easier than it looks. Wheeee! :-)

At the end of the class we retired to Lindsey's apartment, where she lives with an adorable little dog called Leo. I swear, he was the sweetest little fellow. He wandered quietly around during the ensuing debauchery stopping under various chairs to work on his chew toys. When I leaned down at one point and said "Kisses!" he politely licked my chin. I swear, that dog had better breath than some people I know. Does he brush his own teeth? I wouldn't be surprised.

Drinks were offered, and we broke out a game of "Pervert!". Basically, questions are asked about one's sexual past and predilections. If you answer "Yes" to a question, you get to move forward once space. If you don't understand the question, move back. The questions ranged from "Have you ever had sex with a corpse?" (EW!) to "Have you ever told a vulgar joke to a person of the opposite sex." There was only one person in the room who was more prudish than I, according to the final results. What can I say, I'm conservative.

Next on the agenda was a sex toy party, which is akin to a Tupperware party, except with erotic products. A saleswoman showed up with a kit full of everything from edible massage cream to gear requiring batteries. The rule for sampling the lotions and potions was Left is for Licking; i.e. if it was something we were supposed to taste she would stick it on our left arm. Non-edible products were tested on the right. By the time we were done my arms smelled like a candy store. It reminded me more of buying penny candy at Becker's than anything that might happen in a bedroom.

The weirdest product was a peppermint gel called D'Licktious. We were asked to take a half-teaspoon, stick it halfway back on our tongues, and then swallow it. It was like gulping down a serving of toothpaste. Five minutes later we were asked to stick our fingers down our throats to test the desired result of a reduced gag reflex. I can't say that I noticed a difference, but truthfully I didn't put my all into the testing process. Sticking a finger down my throat is not an activity I enjoy by myself, let alone in a room full of relative strangers. For the record one of the women said it made "a world of difference".

The whole show-and-tell took around two hours. After those who were ordering had their order sheets in and we had said goodbye to the saleswoman, it was time for the next game: Pin the Mister on the Man. Check the Man out here. He ended up with Misters taped all over him, including one over his nose. All good, clean fun.

All in all it was a super-fun day, much more so that I expected. Yes, there were a few nervous-sweat-inducing moments, but the women I met were a great bunch: smart, funny, friendly, and charming. By the end of the evening I felt as though I'd known them for much longer than one day. There was a lot of laughing and surprisingly little drinking.

At 10:00 pm when I decided that I was done for the day the group had started in on a second round of "Pervert!", using the questions as jumping off points for scandalous personal anecdotes. It wouldn't be long before they set out to their last destination: a drag club, to view a drag fashion show. If I had more stamina I would have gone, but I didn't want to test my limits. So I thanked everyone and left, a mauve plastic phallic drinking straw in my bag as a memento of a fine, fine day.