I never thought I'd be a happy pill-popper, but that's how life goes. You never know what's around the next corner. It might be a complete and utter nervous breakdown. And then it might be a teeny-tiny, rust-coloured half-tablet that saves your freaking life.
Paxil, a.k.a. Paroxetine in the generic version, is one of the most bizarre things I've ever come across. I swear that in the half-hour after I take each dose I can feel the stuff re-arranging my brain. Weird sensations course down every nerve in my body, like cold water mixed with a slight electrical buzzing. And then, day by day, it gives me back to myself.
It's only been 5 days since I've been on it, but apparently it's not uncommon, in my step-dad's doctoring experience, to get results this fast. Just a few days ago I had to sit on the floor to brush my teeth (spitting into the toilet) because standing up for five minutes would raise my heart rate enough to trigger a rush of panic chemicals that could last for hours. It was like being caught in quicksand that sucked me down the more I fought against it.
Today I'm dressed in clothes I could wear outside, and even put on some makeup so that I didn't scare myself every time I looked in the mirror. For the first time since last Thursday I can tolerate sitting up with my feet on the floor indefinitely. And I'm eating. Thank God for that. Food actually tastes like it should again. For days everything I put into my mouth made me want to gag. Every texture was nauseating, and every taste was too strong. Today I'm trying to pack in as many calories as I can, complete with big glasses of chocolate soy milk, handfuls of caramel popcorn, and potato chips. It's a tough job, but I've got to think of my health.
It's doubtful that I'm going to have any side effects at the low dose that I'm on (5 mg). Dr. Dad says I'd be experiencing them already. There's also a less than 10% chance of a severe withdrawal effect if I ever try to come of it, but pffft. Do I care? I am not planning on ever coming off this stuff. God willing it'll serve me well for the rest of my life, putting my hyper-sensitive nervous system back on a level playing field with all the healthy people.
I've still got a ways to go before I'm back to my normal, but I can see now that I'm going to get there. I'm gonna keep on truckin'.