Friday, October 28, 2011

Gratitude and Fear

I am grateful for my my mom and step-dad.  I have been in touch with them every day since the beginning of my breakdown, and lately more often than not I have been spending time at their house.  They have been providing me with hugs, reassurance, encouragement, and tempting snacks.

I am grateful for my furry brothers (my parents' cats).  They have been available for playing and belly rubs.  I have a couple of scratches on my wrist from that time when they were trying to get me through the rungs of the bannister, but it was worth it.

I am grateful for my (human) sister, who has come to visit me for dinner twice in the past week, despite the fact that she lives way across town and doesn't have a car.  She brings engaging conversation and lots of hugs.  Just hanging out with her is good medicine.

I am grateful for the beautiful, sunny days we've been having.  Seeing a brilliantly golden maple tree lit up against a vividly cerulean sky reminds me why living is good. Getting outside for walks has been one of my highest priorities now that I have my strength back.

I am grateful for all the interesting little shops and boutiques around my parents' new home.  My mother took Ken and I out for an exploratory adventure today, and we poked around in businesses such as a store specializing in horseback-riding equipment; a completely gluten-free grocery store/deli/bakery; and a Scottish import store with a wide selection of sporrans.

And of course I am grateful to Ken, who has been such a love to me all this time despite the fact that he is going through his own very dark time.  Currently he is in bed, exhausted as a side effect from a heart medication that he just started taking yesterday.  He had a pretty good few hours in the middle of the day, when we went on our walk, but the rest of the time this stuff is making him feel like crap.

I am having a very hard time being strong.  I know that the medication needs a few days to settle in, and that the side effects might not wear off for a couple of weeks.  I know that the side effects are only uncomfortable and inconvenient, not dangerous. But when I see my husband looking ill and down, and crawling helplessly into bed, I feel terrified.  Every 30 seconds or so I remind myself that everything is OK and that this too shall pass.  I calm down a bit.  And 30 seconds after that I'm back to a state of anxiety again.

I am grateful for Paroxetine for giving me the 30 seconds of calm per minute.  Without the medication I think I'd be a lost cause.

How do all of you get through when you have to watch a loved one suffer?  Have you ever had to face an illness that you didn't trust attacking someone you felt you couldn't live without?  How did you get through and get the better of your fears?


Lynn said...

I guess the most difficult one was my best friend Julie who was battling breast cancer when she was only 28 years old. She was understandably freaked out and her family especially were. I took days off to go to appointments and stayed in the hospital with her some. I used to try to make it fun and lighthearted on appointment days. Her doctor said she could always tell when I was with her.

I love those gratitude thoughts there - it's wonderful that you are drawing closer to your family. Thank you for your comment on my blog, too - it made my day. I hope today is a good day for you.

DarcKnyt said...

I don't face it with illness as you do -- at least not yet, anyway -- but I do face similar feelings with my job and unemployment. Like an abused dog, I'm sure another whipping is due any moment. I do understand and appreciate the fear, Spark, and we will continue to hold you up in prayer for you and Ken.

Granny Annie said...

There is never anything more healing than Mother's house. Oh those wonderful "tempting snacks".

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Not sure I can be any help about how to deal with things... I'm not good with that at all. {{HUGS}} Just be there for him as he is for you and it will be enough.

LL Cool Joe said...

I find it hard to cope myself and live with health fears all the time.

I'm grateful that I'm alive, and that you are too, and just keep taking one day at a time.

DarcsFalcon said...

Sometimes all you can do is grit your teeth and turn your shoulder into the wind. One of my mottoes has been "one breath at a time," because it felt like too much of a commitment to say "one day at a time."

Sometimes you find that core within that you didn't even know was there, just waiting for that moment to show itself.

Those 30 seconds are a great start, Spark! See if you can do 31! And then 32. I am rooting for you, waving my mental pom-poms, and praying for both you and your husband. May this dark night be brief and may the morning come soon.


Pixiebaby said...

I can't say it any better than others here already have. Sometimes all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and being there. The helpless feeling you get is perfectly normal Spark, so I hope that you do not put yourself down for that. You are human and seeing your hubby going through this hard time is bound to take a toll on you too. Sounds to me like you are doing the very best that you can and I love seeing that you have not lost your positive attitude and optimism. That in itself shows that you already are handling things as well as anyone could. *HUGS*

Jenski said...

Hope your are getting longer periods of anxiety-free life and then Ken is doing okay on his new meds too. It's wonderful that you have lots of people around you who love you!