I've always been relatively anxious. I've fought my fears for as long as I can remember. Will a day come when it's no longer a struggle? Could I just relax into acceptance and faith instead of constantly having to talk myself up into deliberate optimism? A friend told me the other day that sometimes my cheerfulness strikes her as a bit desperate. She's a perceptive one.
This past week has been busy. I made some resolutions to boost my confidence in my ability to take care of myself and others, such as learning to cook properly so that I can host people at my home, and spending time every day enriching my supportive relationships. I have been too introverted for my own good. I need a bigger dose of quality human contact in my life.
Since Sunday I have:
- Successfully cooked two kinds of vegetable stew (one based on eggplant, one on butternut squash).
- Signed up for e-mail updates from the Better Homes and Gardens website, so that I'm constantly being reminded of my resolution to become a hostess with the mostest. I'm allowing myself to enjoy the creative entertaining and decorating ideas, rather than sneering at them, even if some of them are silly.
- Spent Hallowe'en with good friends and their 4-year-old son.
- Had dinner at my parents' house (Ken cooked meatloaf wrapped in bacon with perfect green beans and mashed potatoes with gravy).
- Returned to work! I've been able to tolerate it for up to 6 hours at a time. It's really good to be back.
- Seen the therapist who works with the psychiatrist I'm seeing, and she was so impressed with my progress and on-the-right-trackness that we agreed there was no need for us to book a series of weekly appointments. I will call her only when I need some help getting over any roadblocks.
Apparently it takes 6-8 weeks for most people to get back to this much functioning after the kind of breakdown I had. Can you say "2.5 weeks since I was barely able to get out of bed"? Ya. I'm a bouncy one. Thank God.*
*I mean that literally. I've been praying lots, and I have felt my old friend JC boosting me up. It's been a long time since the two of us hung out. It's a good thing. There's one more relationship I plan to nurture!