Life Goes On

I'm pleased to report that I am pretty much back to "normal" as of the last couple of weeks.  I am certainly experiencing life from a new perspective, post-nervous-breakdown, and still making internal adjustments to the epiphanies that assaulted me violently from all sides during the past few months, but to the casual observer I would appear to be going about my business successfully. 

Physically, I feel good.  I'm sleeping well, eating well, and my energy levels are grand.  I am still trying to gain back the weight that I lost - all my pants are at least one size too big for me around the waist now, except the really stretchy ones - but hopefully it will come back given enough time and snacks.  I'm not skeletal, but I would say that I'm down to my modeling weight, meaning the lower end of the acceptable range.  There's a fine line between being slim and looking like you just finished a brutal course of chemotherapy, and I am trying hard to avoid crossing that line.

I'm still dealing with some fears around food, some of which are well-founded and some of which are silly and irrational.  Anytime I have to eat something that I have not prepared myself, I feel worried.  I watch the clock for two hours from the time the last bite goes into my mouth, and only feel safe once that time has elapsed.  (It was two hours after my last wheat-poisoned meal that the Total Gastric Devastation kicked in.)  I'm probably being more careful than I need to be, considering that I'm not nearly as sensitive to traces of wheat as, say, someone with celiac disease, but I'm eating as though I am.  Better safe than sorry, especially when it comes to restaurants.  My worst nightmare would be for TGD to catch up with me when I'm halfway home on the subway. :-p

My new policy is that I will no longer eat any food that I have not prepared myself if I cannot easily see exactly what all the ingredients are.  Steamed veggies are fine, as are salads with no dressing.  I will consume baked or boiled potatoes.  Hunks of grilled meat without sauce are acceptable.  That just about sums it up.  I am no longer willing to risk soups (often thickened with wheat), sauces (ditto), casseroles, stews, and especially not any "gluten-free" substitute for regular bread or baked goods.  My step-mom told about one time she went to a restaurant with gluten-free options on the menu.  She ordered gluten-free pasta and what did they serve her?  Of course, regular wheat pasta.  She didn't notice until she was a few bites in.  Fortunately I don't think she gets super-sick from wheat, but still.  It's just too easy for a mistake to be made in a busy kitchen.

(Another case in point: at our office Christmas party just last week, an employee who has celiac disease was served a dessert which looked like a chocolate-and-vanilla double-layered mousse, but the bottom layer was, in fact, cake.  He realized after he had swallowed the first bite.  The consequences for him of eating gluten are so dire that he had to go straight to the men's room and stick his finger down his throat to make himself throw up.  That was preferable to a week of severe abdominal pain.  Fun times at the Christmas party!  When the manager of the banquet hall was informed, he was more interested in defending his staff than apologizing for the mistake.  I'm just lucky I'm dairy-free as well as wheat-free or I would have ended up eating the dessert too.  Yikes.)

Anyway, aside from obsessing about food, life is going well.  I have been seeing a lot of friends and family, and feeling more connected to people in general.   I wasn't sure that I was going to make it through to the end of this year, but I'm almost there!  I hope 2012 is somewhat less eventful.