Thursday, December 29, 2011

Rage Against the Dying of the Light

-Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas

In the past 4 months, there have been 3 deaths.  First my zaidy, then my father-in-law, and now a young man I used to know has passed away of a brain tumour.  I hadn't seen T in ten years, but I remember him well.  A good friend of mine was one of T's best friends right up until the end of T's life, and they worked together every day for the past many years, at least when T's health permitted him to work. 

T was a quiet, brilliant, creative fellow; a real still-waters-run-deep type.  Before he got sick, one year he travelled around the world and kept an online journal.  I remember crying with laughter as I read the perfectly-worded stories of his misadventures. 

T was a few years younger than me, in his mid-30's.  He was married.  I never met his wife, but she's out there somewhere, now a grieving widow.  It's beyond imagining.  And, of course, my good friend is bereft.

When my zaidy died, I was sad.  When I lost my father-in-law, I felt frightened, as if he had been a protective layer between Ken and Ken's mortality, and his death had made Ken less safe.  When I heard of T's death, I got mad.  I yelled and shook my fist at God.  Told Him I know I'm supposed accept His better judgement and all, but I've had enough.  This is not OK.  I am not feeling all zen and surrendered to this schedule of people I care about dying every few weeks.

I'm alright.  I'm at work this week, which is a good thing.  The routine is soothing and my mind is occupied with day-to-day distractions.  But when I find myself alone I feel the fury bubbling up.  Good thing God can take me being angry with Him.  There's nothing I can throw at Him that can hurt His feelings.  Even the closest relationships have conflict sometimes.  We'll kiss and make up - when I'm ready.


Lynn said...

It really is hard when you start seeing so many people around you dying. My best friend died of breast cancer when she was 29 years old. 29! I went through the same kind of thing as you then.

DarcKnyt said...

I'm sorry for your losses, Spark. And I understand your anger. You're right, though, God's feelings aren't hurt by our hurled rage. So hurl it -- He's the best target, 'cause He can take it.

I'll say a prayer for your poor, battered heart.

Jenski said...

That's so sad. Thinking of you and hoping T's widow has lots of love and support.

Sparkling Red said...

Lynn: Wow. 29 is way too young.
Thanks for your sympathy.

DarcKnyt: Thank you for your prayers, as always. :-)

Jenski: Thanks. I know for sure that my friend has been helping her with the paperwork side of insurance claims etc., so that's good.

Granny Annie said...

God has already kissed and made up.

Tracy Makara said...

Sorry to hear about your losses. You are right about your feelings of's normal to feel that way. I hope that you heal soon. Not that there are any time limits on grief, just so you will feel more at peace. *hugs*

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Sorry for your losses... It's always such a difficult thing to accept.

DarcsFalcon said...

I'm so sorry Spark. It's been a hard year for you and this seems like the straw that breaks the camel's back for you - you've been coping and handling things as best you can ... it's okay to get mad and fall apart. I have it on good authority that He understands how you feel. I'll be praying for you, and your friend's wife. Being a widow sucks. *hugs*