The past week has been pretty good.
I celebrated my birthday. One of my friends baked me a delish-tastic cake, and gave me knee socks that say "BOOKWORM" up the sides. Another friend gave me a bag full of ice cream. I got a birthday card hand-lettered by a six-year-old, with some of the letters facing backwards. And I went to a huge second-hand book sale and bought as many books as I could carry home. So obviously life is pretty great.
On the other hand, there have been some developments with my super-top-secret work situation. In a nutshell, there is a small but real possibility that I might be out of a job in a week or so. The more likely alternative is that I keep my job, the situation drags on in limbo, but I have to terminate one of my employees. Don't even ask why. It's a long story and I don't feel like talking about it.
So even though I have a lot to be grateful for right now, and that's what I'm trying to stay focused on, life is kind of weird at the moment. I mean, I actually took home some of my personal property from work, little gifts people had given me and so forth, so that I won't have so much to carry home in a cardboard box if I get the axe. No one knows what's going on except a small handful of managers, so with everyone else I have to pretend like everything is normal. It's pretty disorienting wondering if this, say, might be my 3rd-last day of work, or my 5th-last, but carrying on as though nothing has changed.
I feel sad when I think about losing my job, mostly because of the relationships I've built up at work over the years. Some days I can keep up the illusion that nothing is going to change, but not every day. When I get tired of feeling sad, I feel numb. I know that nothing can last forever. Maybe what's making it so difficult is not being able to talk about it. Keeping this huge secret from everyone I've always been so transparent with makes me feel that I'm already at a bit of a remove.
Well, no one is dying; I'm incredibly re-employable; and maybe the future has something even better in store for me. So no matter how things go, I'm going to be okay. I promise.