Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Zaidy Update and More

When I saw my Zaidy on Sunday, I thought it might be for the last time. I went home and left messages for some of my family members to let them know how sick he appeared to be.

The next day a bunch of them got together and went to visit him. And guess what? He wasn't exactly fine, but relative to how he had been with me, he was pretty hunky dory. Or so I'm told.

Sitting in a reclining wheelchair, he spoke a few words to them. But more importantly, he wasn't coughing. At all. There were no incidents involving phlegm. No hospital gowns or gloves required. This wasn't even 24 hours after my visit, during which he seemed to be poised at death's door. My father said that Zaidy was the best he's seen him yet, since the stroke.

I'm glad that Ken was with me on Sunday, because otherwise I might have questioned my own sanity. How was it that Zaidy was pretty good on Saturday, coughing up a lung on Sunday, and fine again on Monday? I don't get it. I guess he had a spell of... something. I could consider it bad timing that I was there when he was at his worst, or I could be grateful that I was there when he was most in need of support. I'm trying for the latter. (The less mature part of me is feeling so emotionally yanked around right now that I have to fight some resentment towards the situation.)

Most importantly, he's feeling much better, and that's awesome. Literally. Here's something to ponder: Ken and I prayed for Zaidy during our hour-long visit and when we got home. Could it be that his speedy recovery from the mysterious symptoms was in answer to our prayers?

As for myself, I have to confess: I've been better. My physical health is OK (for which I am grateful, after being coughed on by Zaidy, including definitely feeling something wet land in my left eye. Thank God for my immune system). But for the last couple of weeks, I've been fighting the blues.

Basically I crashed after the wedding. I got sick with an infection. Then as soon as I got better from that I went through two days of pain, for which, as you may know, I can't take any pharmaceutical remedies. Then work got really crazy, which I can't blog about, but trust me - I was in a state of high anxiety last week. And of course throughout it all I've been worried about Zaidy.

I've been trying to keep my chin up. I've been diligently listening to inspirational podcasts every morning while I do my stretches and hand weights. I've been making sure I don't let my self-grooming lapse. But despite my best intentions, the symptoms are all there.

Appetite much reduced. Trouble sleeping. The urge to isolate myself. Fatigue. And my face just doesn't want to smile as readily as usual. Basically it all adds up to that old pest, depression.

It'll never be as bad as it was before I got saved, but it's there.

I haven't been especially motivated to blog or Twitter, but I know it's good for me to write about it and get it out there. It's therapeutic, confession.

And now that it's out there, I'm going to try not to dwell on it too much. So unless something urgent comes up, I plan for my next post to be The Wedding Part 2. Because that's something cheerful, and we can all use some cheer, right?


Buzzardbilly said...

I know you don't know me well yet at all, but I can feel you today. My grandmother (Evil Granny on the blog, and yes she earned that name) had a stroke and the healing process was long and kind of rollercoaster-like. She would at times be unresponsive or make no sense and medical folks would tell us to call in the family (which we all know is med code for: this is the end). And, she'd rally round again. We had her for probably 10 years after she recovered enough to be at home, though not alone.

When she was in the nursing home, all of her kids were scatter about either living far away or being on vacation or busy. I was one of the few grandchildren who took up the slack and made sure she got visits despite my own personal feelings toward her as she had tried to kill my dad twice, and that's not the kind of thing a person can let go of easily.

You wanna talk about the blues!

I started with my psychiatrist during that point (I was also married to Old Cake Icing Ass, the ex-hub, so the psych really wasn't an option, it was a necessity.

You can feel free to e-mail me at SewerRatQueen@hotmail.com (so named because I like to spread the purdy in life) and we can talk more freely. The earlier you fight the blues, the shorter your fight, generally speaking. Each case is different because we are, after all, like snowflakes.


Claire said...

I'll be praying for you, honey.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

Glad Zaidy is feeling better. I certainly understand depression so {{HUGS}} You've had a bit of a roller coaster with the wedding and Zaidy's stroke it's only natural for a bit of a crash. Take care of yourself and it will even out.

LL Cool Joe said...

I can relate to what you are saying. I suffer from depression too. It doesn't take much for it to kick off does it? That damn grey cloud that sits above your head.

The only positive thing I can say is that it will pass, although at the time it feels like forever. Stay busy and be kind to yourself. The anti climax after a big Wedding will be immense too. The reality of life hits home and now there seems like nothing on the horizon to look forward to.

Now I've depressed myself!

And pray too! It helps. :)

Sparkling Red said...

Buzzardbilly: Bless your heart - you are so kind to share your story and feelings with me. :-) You've given me a smile, and that's a precious thing. Thanks for your offer of e-mailing; I might take you up on that.

Claire: Thank you! I know prayer works. I'm grateful.

Ron: Thanks - hugs gratefully received. I wasn't expecting to crash after the wedding because we kept it relatively small and simple... Thank goodness we didn't have 500 guests, a 7-course banquet, and a live band. I would be in a mental hospital crashing off that high!

Joe: You can bet I'm praying. :-)
It's true - depression is a sneaky thing, and it doesn't take much to trigger it. Fortunately I know myself well enough to know it for what it is, and I have some pretty good self-care strategies. This is the first time in a while it's stuck around more than a couple of days in a row. But I'll beat it pretty soon, with God's help.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like it could be a little divine intervention.

Dianne said...

I'm glad zaidy is feeling stronger.

I think the power of prayer - in all forms - can't be denied. I tend to think of it as sending out strength from my spirit in the interest of someone else.

I've been battling the depression pest for a while now - pain makes it worse - so I know how exhausting it can be

I constantly work at staying in the moment

Jenski said...

I like Dianne's "sending out strength from my spirit in the interest of someone else"! I'll be thinking of you and your Zaidy. My own Grampa is in the hospital for the fourth time in about two months. :-(

I rely on my stubbornness to fend off those down feelings. I agree that it is better to acknowledge it, get it out there, and force yourself to keep up with routine. Hope work has quieted and you continue to feel better physically!

wigsf said...

Good to hear. Good to hear.

Jameil said...

i'm gonna give you an ehug and a prayer for peace in the midst of the storm no matter what happens.

NicoleB said...

You were there for a reason on Sunday.
I am totally sure that he understood all you told him and that that gave him strength again. For how long, God knows.

As to your way downhill.

You realize you are on the road. That's a good sign.
You have support and some strength of will.
You are working against it.
Or, let's say, you acknowledge your nemesis is there again.

Don't fight to hard. Let it be. The more you ignore it, the easier it might go away...
Just a thought, maybe, hopefully.

Hugs, dear!

Scarlet said...

I love how you pick yourself up when you're down. I wrote about depression before...like "feeling the fear and doing it anyway" we feel the blues and do it anyway (whatever it may be). That's how we overcome it (unless it's clinical and requires medication).

I'm glad to hear about your Zaidy's recovery...and wish him the best. I'm sure you prayers had a lot to do with the happy turn of events.

I can't wait to hear more about your beautiful wedding!! The pictures were awesome! :)

San said...

I'm sorry to hear you're in a funk. It's normal to come down a bit after something so big and high as a wedding. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers...Speaking of prayer, yes, your prayers and those of Ken, made a difference for your Zaidy.