Friday, May 13, 2011

Look Deep Into My Eyes

What is it with optometrists?  I don't ordinarily make unflattering generalizations, but ever since I was a teenager, I've had issues with eye doctors.  We all know that looking deeply into someone's eyes creates a bond of intimacy.  I suppose if you take that one step further, peering through a high-powered magnifying lens straight into the depths of a woman's retina can cause all sorts of trouble.

When I was in high school, my optometrist's name was Dr. Gross.  I'm not making that one up.  His real name was Dr. Gross, and he was always too happy to see me.  He always greeted me with a full-bellied hug.  It was like being smothered by a king-sized mattress.

I left Dr. Gross for the optometrist I still see.  Let's call him Dr. C.  20-ish years ago he was young, handsome, and he impressed me with the thoroughness of his practice.  Initially he was 100% professional.  Over the years, however, his standards slipped a little.

The first thing that gave me pause was a moment when I was in the examining chair and he was adjusting a setting on a mechanical thing full of sample lenses.  "Shall I take my glasses off?" I asked.

"Yeah baby," he said.  "Take it all off."

Then he apologized.  Said he'd had a long day.  Sure, whatever.   No harm done.  It was just a joke.

However, as the years passed, he became gradually more sleazy.  He knows exactly how much he can get away with, and he never crosses the line.  He's careful.  But he's made sure that I know I am his type.  There is always a complimentary remark about my appearance.  There is always a hand on my back or an arm around my shoulders as he leads me to or from his room.  Well, I need assistance, you know, so blind am I without my glasses on.  It's the perfect excuse.

Then there's the gazing.  You know what I'm talking about.  I call it "googly eyes".  It's not lecherous leering.  I wouldn't put up with that.  It's more of a smitten, wistful stare.  He quits as soon as I look over at him, but I know what he's up to.

The second thing out of his mouth each time I see him, after "How are you doing?" is always "So how's married life?"  I can tell he's always hoping to hear that my marriage fell apart.

Why haven't I switched to a new optometrist?  Well, he does take very good care of my eyes.  Every once in a while he waives the fee on a follow-up visit.  Hope springs eternal and I think he wants to stay on my good side.  The location of the office is convenient.  And I really can't be bothered to go shopping for a new optometrist.  I have enough other things to do with my time.

So, for now, Dr. C gets to look into my eyes to his heart's content.  How he finds this attractive, as I tear and squint through the horrible dilating eye drops, is beyond me, but I guess it takes all types.  Maybe that's why he became an optometrist: a fetish for nasty, veiny eyeballs.   Blech.  He's not a bad guy, but he shouldn't hold his breath for me.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

LOL.... "Ok doctor... but I don't really see why I need to be naked for my eye exam...... ok... I guess you're right.... but why do you have that music playing???"

Jameil said...

Gross. I can't. I can't pay someone to leer at me. Wait. Oh Canada.

Jenski said...

I would think ahead about what I wore to those appointments. At least he takes good care of your eyes...

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: The reclining chair should have been a dead giveaway. Why did I believe him when he called himself an "eye dentist"?

Jameil: It's one of those situations in which I persist in slightly uncomfortable circumstances because I like that there's a story in it. How boring would eye exams be otherwise? Probably a real yawn.

Jenski: Usually I go there after work, so it's not much of an issue. Everything I wear to work is modest.

DarcKnyt said...

EEEEEEwwww, being ogled by an old doctor-y nerd guy is icky! But when they're old, doctor-y and FAT, like me, THAT'S when people call the cops about a creepy kidnapper or child molester.

Have a great weekend!

ileana said...

Sounds like borderline sexual harrassment but he's not as "in your face" as he could be and I understand he's probably more smitten than anything else. If you're still with him, he obviously can't be all that bad...besides, he gives you breaks, he's a good doc and he's at a convenient location. I'd stay, too.

wigsf3 said...

Aren't we all glad this guy ain't a lady parts doctor.

wigsf3 said...

Of course, if we has a lady parts doctor, he'd have been stripped of his license to practice on his first day.

wigsf3 said...

Do lady parts doctors have to take special seminars and classes and pass tests on sexual harrassment?

Pixiebaby said...

I guess it really does take all kinds huh? Can't imagine getting my jollies from looking at veiny eyeballs! Thank goodness he has not crossed any lines and I hope he doesn't. How icky.

Sparkling Red said...

DarcKnyt: I should have reported Dr. Gross. Or at least slapped his face and told him "Fresh!"

Ileana: Yeah, if that's all he's ever done in the past 15+ years, he's not likely to go any further anytime soon. Besides, soon we'll both be old and wrinkly and it'll be a moot point.

wigsf: Yes, for sure, and boy do I hope so.

Pixiebaby: Yeah, it's a little icky. Maybe he has a thing for nearsighted women. We have these irresistible elongated eyeballs. ;-P

Lynn said...

Oh my - that is not cool of him. I've heard similar stories from friends. I have the same eye doctor I've been going to for 20 years or longer. We're growing old together, I think. :)

DarcsFalcon said...


How weird is it to feel like you need a chaperon at the eye doctor's?

"A fetish for nasty, veiny eyeballs" reminds me of too many creepy serial killer TV shows I've seen! The kind where they find the eyes in a jar in the fridge or something. Yuck! LOL