Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There used to be trouble in my friendships. They never seemed to flow easily. I felt it necessary to be a relationship accountant, keeping track of who gave what to whom, how much, and how frequently. If it didn't all balance out I had a neurotic compulsion to fix it! Fix it now!

The calculating approach was dictated by my fears. Fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, fear of people being mad at me, fear of giving too much, fear of getting too close, fear of being perceived as clingy, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of being perceived as distant, and some plain old-fashioned shyness to boot. There was a very small comfort zone between Too Much Closeness and Too Much Distance. It was like walking on a tightrope.

It didn't help that I gravitated towards socially awkward introverts like myself. They had many of the same fears as me. I knew that "normal" people experienced friendship as something organic and basically comfortable. My friendships were sometimes very rewarding, sometimes stilted and difficult. And no matter how often I saw my friends, I was always unsatisfied. I always felt fundamentally lonely.

This state of affairs went on for years. Hundreds of hours of individual and group therapy made some holes in my armour, but couldn't go much further than that.

Then I found faith and started going to church. And I can't explain why, because it's not that I suddenly have dozens of new church-going friends, but since then I've changed.

I only have a couple of new friends that I met at church, with whom I spend time less than once a month. They're not responsible for this change. All I can attribute it to is this: I prayed to God to come into my heart and make me a more loving, fearless person. And He did.

I'm not keeping track of my friendships like I used to. I just let them happen. If sometimes I give more than I receive for a while, or vice versa, that's OK. If we go for months without speaking before we reconnect, that's OK too. I have the same number of friends as I ever did, but I never feel lonely anymore. I'm satisfied.

I'm not conscious of having changed visibly, but I must be giving off different cues. People seem to be more attracted to me than before. Friends who were once lukewarm are now enthused about spending time together. The kidoodles in Babyland are talking to me more and asking to be held. I've even noticed that I'm getting more flirty attention from men.

I look the same. I haven't been shopping for a new wardrobe. I'm not standing up straighter or walking with a wiggle. This change seems to be like a light that came on inside of me. I became more transparent, and people are attracted to the light. But even then I feel that it's not really about me. It's God. The glow is coming from that place in my heart where I invited God to come in and stay awhile. So I'd better stay humble. I don't want to ever lose this light.