Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Change for the Better

So do you remember that post about how I was sad because I couldn't invite my family to my wedding?  And how I said that Ken and I both agreed that it was for the best and he wasn't going to invite his family either?

Well...  The truth is more along these lines: I wanted to be able to invite at least my parents, but Ken felt very strongly otherwise.  So strongly, in fact, that in the end I agreed with him in order to put an end to his distress.  He doesn't have a big family, and the idea of inter-familial tensions on our big day totally freaked him out.  I didn't want him to be miserable about the prospect, and I thought that he did have a point about people possibly not getting along, so I agreed to his wishes.

Not only that, but I figured that if I agreed, the decision became my responsibility too.  So I didn't run around telling everyone "Ken won't let me invite you".  I said that we had made a decision together and we both agreed that it was for the best.  I mean, it's our wedding.  If I can't make a show of solidarity around that, what's the point?

And I was cool with that.  Sad, yes, but accepting of the situation.  Ken lets me have my way 95% of the time, so when he feels really strongly about something I certainly don't resent compromising for him. 

Then.  Then he changed his mind.

Now, let's press the pause button a moment here.  Before you judge Ken, you should know that for every finger I'm pointing at Ken right now I've got way more than four pointing back at me.  In the history of our relationship, I'm the waffler.  Lately not so much, but in our early years Ken put up with time after time when I'd drive him crazy by changing my mind on important issues.  He owes me more than one.

Still.  This is major crazy-making material here.  I was all "Aaaaaah!  Dude, you are really messing with my feelings here!"  I mean, I'd spent all this time trying to find just the right words in order to let my friends and family down gently.  Even so it broke my heart to hear the disappointment of my three at-the-time not-invited parents when they found out they were being were excluded.  My friends all tried to be understanding, but I could see it made them melancholy.  That was some tough emotional drama, and it was all for nothing?

Then I calmed down and realized that this means I get to invite some people that I couldn't invite before, and decided to just be relieved and happy that it turned out this way.  We sure took the long way round getting here, but we're here nonetheless.

Ken decided that he wants to invite his parents, his brother, and a couple of friends.  That means that I get to invite all my parents and my good friends too.  Hurray!  Well, we left it kind of late, so my birth father and step-mom have already made an unchangeable work commitment for that weekend... so they won't be there.  *sadness*  But at least my step-dad will be there.  And it'll be really sweet to have my friends too.

For the record, the reason Ken re-thought the whole idea was that we learned around one month ago that his Dad's cancer came back.  He's in treatment now, but no one knows exactly how this will play out.  Somewhere along the line, Ken's wish for his Dad to be present at our wedding overrode his fears of family strife.  And lo a happy ending: love conquers fear, this time.  Thank God.

And if any of you are prayer-sayers, you might want to say one for Ken's dad Drew and the whole family.  They can use all the support they can get.

15 comments:

desi said...

Glad you're inviting family. You've got my prayers.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Sending positive thoughts out to the universe for Your family or family in law as the case may be :)

Hey, now that there's all this room on the guest list... achem.... :)

whatigotsofar said...

Here it grows again.

hehehe...


Anyhoo, my best to Ken's father.

unsigned said...

Sounds like things are working out for the best

SoMi's Nilsa said...

To me, it matters not who you invite. What matters is that you're both happy with the people who will be surrounding you on your special day. That you feel like the right mix of people are there with you. And it sounds like you are definitely headed in that direction. Hooray!

Keera Ann Fox said...

Isn't it sad that one expects the families to not get along and ruin the day, rather than expect that, whether or not they get along, they'll make nice so they don't ruin the day?

It's stuff like that that makes me think modern manners ain't all that.

Kate said...

It all works out the way it's supposed to in the end. No matter how we began. Don't you think?

LL Cool Joe said...

I'll definitely say a prayer.

I'm glad things are working out the way you both want them too. I think Kate's right, things have a way of ending up the way they were meant to in the end, if you stay open to the possibility of change.

Scarlet said...

I'm sorry about your FIL and I will pray for him.

I think you're all going to have a wonderful time at your wedding. I'm glad Ken changed his mind and that at least one of your parents is able to make it. What a blessing!!

Jenski said...

Think of all the love of family and friends on your wedding day! My thoughts are with you, Ken and his family as his Dad faces cancer again.

Anonymous said...

Ken here. I'd like to thank you all for the kind words and positive thoughts in regards to my father's condition. God Bless you all.

NicoleB said...

I'm glad you guys changed your mind :)!

Karen said...

Sorry to hear about Ken's dad. But I am elated that you get to share your day with your family and friends. You deserve that! And your family deserves that honor also!

I have been recently excluded from a cousins wedding and it has caused hurt feelings and drama. My dad, my brother and my sister all refuse to go to the wedding to show solidarity and the groom (my cousin) is having issues with his mother.

I understand the whole "It is our day, we will do what we want" thing. But sometimes it is more important to be an adult and do "the right thing". (Speaking more about my cousin than your case with that last statement.)

:-)

jameil1922 said...

wow! well I'm glad you're getting what you wanted!

Sparkling Red said...

Thanks everyone for your good wishes! I have faith that this wedding is a "God Thing" and therefore everything that happens around it is happening for a good reason. It's organically growing into a wonderful experience, with some lessons along the way. I'm going to enjoy the ride.