Friday, July 31, 2009

Open

I'm starting this post without a clear idea of how I want to express my thoughts.

Verbal communication is a linear medium. Sometimes it's difficult to describe three-dimensional thoughts and feelings in two-dimensional words. There's so much that I want to get across all in one sweeping impression. The sequential nature of writing is frustrating.

A year ago I wrote a post describing my rudimentary psychic abilities. In the past year, with the spiritual protection of the loving force I know as God/J.C., I have felt relatively protected from the onslaught of emotional input that used to overwhelm me every day. However, those impressions not entirely gone. And they can still be temporarily overwhelming.

I've worked hard to try to understand how I am meant to respond to this type of input. I do believe that I have a gift, but it can feel like a curse when I don't handle it properly.

The first strategy that ever helped me at all was praying, so I continued to pray each time I felt overwhelmed by negative emotions. When there was a strong likelihood that these emotions were primarily originating from someone else, I would pray for "us", whether that person was a close friend or a stranger on the subway train.

That tactic helped. It was better than doing nothing at all. I was significantly more comfortable, but definitely felt that there was room for improvement. I still had many experiences of wishing that I could jump out of my own skin and run away from feeling other peoples' crap.

I believed the problem was that I didn't always pray very well. Sometimes I didn't feel like praying at all. Sometimes the words wouldn't come. Sometimes I felt awkward and self-conscious. I was trying to figure out the right words to say, but I couldn't find them.

A series of events began recently which led to an epiphany, which I believe is the answer I've been looking for since last June.

On July 19 the musical group I'm in lead the worship at my church. For the first time, we totally rocked the house. I haven't had such an incredible musical high since, no pun intended, high school. People were jumping to their feet, clapping, holding their hands to the sky, and some were even weeping. (From joy, you skeptics!) I was swept up in the intensity, and my heart flew wide open.

Since then not only have I been unable to contain my own emotions as strictly as usual, I have been much more susceptible to other peoples' feelings. Also, my thinking has been less linear. I have developed a hunger for the creative arts; poetry, music, and other things that don't make rational sense.

In the end, the problem became the solution. My real problem was that I was trying to think my way to a heart's solution, and that's impossible. My problem was that when my heart opened it felt so uncomfortable that I tried as best I could to close it up tight again. But really what I need to do is open it wider.

It came to me this morning, as an intuition. Instead of labouriously constructing a prayer from my head, I opened my heart and loved. When I was confronted with waves of anxiety coming from a nervous sales rep, I pictured myself physically embracing him with unconditional love.* Yes, it was a little distracting. I missed some of the sales pitch. But I was so uncomfortable feeling all his nervousness, I wasn't focused on the conversation anyway.

It worked for a while, so I stopped visualizing the hug and went back to listening. Within a minute, the anxiety was back. So I went back to my virtual hugging. I hugged that lucky sales rep (psychically speaking) for twenty minutes. Finally he was comfortable enough to relax and talk to me without constant energy-realm reassurance. It was pretty cool.

He reacted perceptibly each time I went back to the imagined hug. I was sitting completely still in my chair, just looking at him. Nothing changed except the energy. But each time he would get slightly distracted from what he was saying, and had to take a moment to recoup his train of thought. There was definitely something happening there.

It worked so well that I tried it on someone else I work with, to similar effect.

Finally, I get it! I couldn't, before, because my heart wasn't open enough. But now I see: I was coming at it from the wrong angle. I'm not supposed to start with prayer to get to love. I'm supposed to start with love, and from there prayer will flow naturally. If I care about someone with all my heart in a given moment, I won't have any trouble finding the words to ask God to love them, encourage them, and provide them with whatever it is they need to heal and grow.

I don't know if I'll be able to maintain this level of open-heartedness. But if not, I'll be asking God to take me back to it. This is the direction I'm meant to go in, and I'm so glad I figured out my next step. Incidentally, I've also been doing some simple exercises to practice clairvoyance, and the results are good. I believe that's another part of my gift that I'll be meant to use for God's work when the time comes. But that's another story for another day.

*It wasn't sexual, you skeptics! I'm smarter than that. If there were any chemistry in the air, I wouldn't be doing any hugging, energetic or otherwise. I don't need to play with fire like that. Life's complicated enough already.

16 comments:

Vanessa (DarcsFalcon) said...

This is very interesting. I've always had a similar ability, but mostly with people I cared about more so than strangers. It always came through more like a distress call, and I never knew for the first few hours where it originated from, until I got a phone call from the person. That was always frustrating.

I found though, after Darc and I got married and I delved more deeply into the Word, that those experiences started to diminish. It's always been difficult for me to balance the experiences I've had with the OT admonition to the Jews not to mess with fortune-telling, and that whole spectrum of the occult. Not to mention the gifts of the Spirit, which I feel (based on Scripture) are no longer in play for the Church as a whole. I do, however, believe that God has given each Christian a gift of some kind or other. I also believe that what a lot of people call "psychic" energy is really nothing more than a skill-set, like body-building. Some people are more inclined to be good at it than others, and some can develop that skill while some won't.

Love one another is the ultimate commandment and it sounds like you are trying to do that in an active sense. Can you imagine if the whole world did that? Wow!

Sparkling Red said...

Vanessa: I'm always glad to be in touch with others who have weird gifts. More people than one might guess have these abilities, but for various reasons the majority avoid talking about them.
I believe that "psychic" abilities will one day be understood in a scientific way. Studies have already been done on the ability of humans to transmit emotions through auras or whatever one wishes to call it. Sure, it can have a dark side, just like anything else. I believe as long as I hold a strong intention to use my gifts purely in the way of God, i.e. for love and helping, it's all good.
I sure do wish people would wake up in the morning every day and commit to being loving. Realistically I don't accomplish that, but at least I try to aim in that general direction.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Glad you found an answer that works for you. Unconditional love is a great way to approach life even if you don't have any abilities :)

savia said...

Thank you so much for sharing this - I never would have thought of doing the psychic hug, as I've been mostly focusing on protecting myself and blocking negative energy coming at me from other people. But I like your approach and may have to try it sometime. Hmmmmm...

Dianne said...

my heart over my mind is something I have recently been concentrating on - now that sounds absurd - concentrating on not concentrating!!

I have the deepest, purest, most wonderful waves of love and joy for my new grand daughter. I do not feel the same way about her Mom or her Mom's family.

Instead of biting my tongue and forcing a smile and keeping the peace I started visualizing them within the circle of light and love I feel for the baby.

it works!!

now I need to find a way to do it when the baby is not around or when I suddenly find myself replaying conversations in my head and getting myself all worked up

but I do feel that I'm on to something

and when I first started doing this I thought of you, how cool is that

powdergirl said...

I'm all for an open hearted approach.
The world needs more love.

unsigned said...

Breakthrough! Congratulations.

LL Cool Joe said...

Is this the same concept of when you are nervous about talking to a room full of people imagining them all naked and then the nerves go away?

Whatever works for you though!

G said...

Sounds like you found a good mojo to work for ya.

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: I agree. :-)

Savia: Let me know how it goes. :-)

Dianne: That's very cool! Now when I put this into practice, I'll think of you too.

Powdergirl: For reals.

Unsigned: Thanks!

Joe: Not really the same. Although of course I have no way of conclusively proving this to anyone other than myself, I do believe that I actually interact with the other person's energy in the real world, not just in my imagination.

G: Yup. Here's hoping that practice makes perfect.

Scarlet said...

Worship songs have amazing power, and I think you were so into the music/lyrics, you may have received a gift from God during that service...the one where you rocked the house. Is that when it all started??

Jenski said...

That sounds exhausting and amazing! I hope further exploration helps you to focus the energy without it overwhelming you.

Jameil said...

umm... who thought it was sexual. wow... anyway. i LOVE "I'm not supposed to start with prayer to get to love. I'm supposed to start with love, and from there prayer will flow naturally." THAT is amazing. I need to try enveloping myself in a hug sometimes, too.

Nicole said...

Great things are working out for you!

Sparkling Red said...

Scarlet: Yes, I do believe that's when it all started. When spiritual energy gets moving, it really moves!

Jenski: It's an ongoing challenge. I feel like it's one of the main purposes of my life to understand and properly use these gifts.

Jameil: My husband reads this blog. I had to say something reassuring. :-) Or just for you :)

Nicole: Thanks!

Aurora said...

That sounds like a very happy discovery! cool.