Friday, November 20, 2009

Day by Day

In the past week, my default feeling has been overwhelm. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, scared and sad; sometimes overwhelmed, yet happy and grateful. But always with the overwhelmingness. I find it difficult to sit down and craft a post in this condition. If I can't make all the pieces of my life come together and fit into a coherent picture for my own personal mental health, how can I do that in a piece of writing?

My coping mechanism is: I retreat into a smaller and smaller slice of the present time, and just deal with that, until I'm basically living one minute at a time, without thinking much about the last moment or the next. I can get by like this, although even things that I put in my calendar tend to take me by surprise, because I'm just not thinking that far ahead, even when the event in question is planned for tomorrow. Similarly, I'm having trouble remembering things. Oh well. How important are those things anyway? I mean, do I really need to buy toilet paper?*

*rhetorical question

The reason for all this mental AAAAAAUGH! *frantic jazz hands* is that there is a lot of change happening, or pending, at the moment. It's pretty much all good stuff, or at least neutral. But I don't deal well with change, even if it's the kind of change that's going to improve my life. I try. I say all the right things to myself. But if there are too many changes at once eventually my brain just blows a gasket. Blam.

In general all this change has to do with my workplace. We're moving to bigger premises and with that will come role changes and personnel changes. I am taking on more responsibilities. And also, there's the wee matter of me being in charge of upgrading our ENTIRE COMPUTER SYSTEM. It'll be a quantum leap from what it is now, but dang. It's ginormous project, and thoughts of the transition process are making me mightily nervous.

Every night I watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy before I go to bed, to relax. It's my new favourite show. Then I go to bed and dream that I'm designing blueprints for a new wing of the GA hospital, except it's real and I work there and it's all very stressful.

Well, that's life, isn't it.

Anyway, this weekend I'm looking forward to lunch with my 93-year-old grandmother. She's going to get a taxi to my house and then we'll walk to the mall together. While we were planning this I asked her if she would like to meet me at the restaurant, because it's a 15-minute walk from my place. She was indignant.

"I can walk for 15 minutes!"

And you know what? I'm sure that she can. Probably faster than me, and that's on shorter legs because the top of her head barely clears the underside of my chin when she hugs me. My grandmother is awesome. Maybe she'll provide some wisdom to help me get through.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

If she shares some wisdom please pass it on to me as I'm sure I could use just a pinch of wisdom. Heck I'll even just take the pinch ;-)

Hope you find your quiet spot and all the overwhelmingness goes away.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way; the constant pressurized/overwhelmed feeling below all the other things. I can relate completely.

Hope you have a great time with your grandma and her vision from the perspective of her years guides you.


LL Cool Joe said...

I can relate to what you are saying. My partner's job has ended and the changes that about to happen feel overwhelming. I'm just taking one day at a time and that's hard enough.

Your Grandma sounds very cool! Bless her. I hope you have fun together.

Don't forget the loo paper ok? ;)

DarcsFalcon said...

Sometimes writing things down can help you gain perspective and distance from the things going on in your life. Just one little step at a time, you'll be just fine. Deep breaths. :)

Your grandma sounds awesome. :)

Kate said...

I'm totally overwhelmed right now, too. I think it's going around.

Lil Red said...

I can think of nothing sweeter than walking to the mall, 15 min. there and back, with a woman like your grandmother. She sounds amazing!!

Btw, sounds like your dreams will get you through the stress of your situation. You have sweet dreams, Chica! :)

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: She's not much of a pincher, but definitely an aggressive hugger. She could have been a pro wrestler with her grip.

darcknyt: It was only recently in my life that I experienced the feeling of NOT being overwhelmed. The moments when I get to feel balanced are so sweet.

LL Cool Joe: I eventually remembered to pick up some T.P. :-) Not to worry.
A partner's career has a huge impact on one's life. I should know - I've seen my husband through everything from months of unemployment to months of severe overwork. It's hard to know how to handle it.

DarcsFalcon: My grandma is pretty awesome. She's intrepid. She never lets anything get her down for long.

Kate: True enough. A lot of the replies so far have been - I'm overwhelmed too. Me too. Me three. Ah well, at least it's less lonely this way. :-)

Lil Red: Nice new blog you have there! And quite a naughty tagline. ;-)

San said...

Spark, clearly the organization you work for has A LOT of confidence in you and your abilities or they would not put such responsibilities on your shoulders. Something tells me you got a lot of your grandmother's powerful DNA.

Nicole said...

I hear you on "the importantnes of things".
I drag most things on forever.
Then, sometimes I get a burst of energy.
But usually I'm just dragging things on to the last minute, sigh.
And I'm not even having a job.... :)

Your Granny truly sounds awesome :)!