There is a shift going on within me towards a mindset that I don't know how to describe. I took a crack at it a couple of posts ago, when I described that lately I need a lot of time alone, outside, to just be, but I'm not sure if I really managed to get my state of mind across.
The difficulty is that it's a mainly non-verbal experience. I quiet my mental chatter down to an intermittent murmuring, and breathe into the moment. I become receptive to the input from all of my senses, especially proprioception.
Suddenly, my feet have become important. I'm conscious of where they're placed relative to my body. If I'm standing, is my weight evenly distributed? When I'm living in my head, I tend to lean all my weight on one leg, or turn my toes in towards each other. If I'm sitting and I quiet my mind, I'll suddenly realize, without deliberately drawing my attention to my feet, that my toes are clenched. So I relax them.
Up until around two weeks ago, I wore slippers at home all the time. I have three pairs of slippers. There are the quiet leather moccasins, the scuffs with rubber soles (good for kitchen work, to keep my socks out of the puddles that inevitably drip onto the floor during washing-up), and the seriously warm sheepskin booties. I wanted to protect my feet from cold, hard floors. I was always in one set of slippers or another.
Now, in the middle of winter, unaccountably, I prefer to pad around in my stocking feet. I'll resist putting slippers on until my feet are uncomfortably cold, if it comes to that. I want to feel my soles meet the floor when I stand. I enjoy being conscious of the movements of walking. I like being aware of my toes.
I'll venture that this is a physical manifestation of my renewed willingness to be here. I mean Be Here, as in, live on this planet, at this time, in this place, in this life, in this body, under these circumstances. It feels like I'm experiencing an embodiment of acceptance.
Does any of this make sense to anyone but me?