Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Status Quo

I feel that it's time for me to do a little update, for those of you who are curious about my personal life.  Here it is:

I'm still somewhat crazy.

Is anyone surprised by this?  Show of hands?

*crickets* *consipicuous lack of raised hands*

Judging from the fact that anti-depressants are the most commonly prescribed type of medication, and the other fact that 34% of Americans can be defined as alcoholics by the standards of some news article I read recently but don't remember well enough to link to, I'm probably not any more crazy than the average North American.

I'm still dealing with panic attacks of varying intensity, usually on weekends when I'm not following my comfortable routine.  I've been pretty good at talking myself through them, and it's been a couple of months since someone has had to ask me "Are you OK?" because I've suddenly gone all pale and sweaty in the middle of a conversation.  Certainly it sometimes takes a massive effort to maintain my smiling game face, and I feel exhausted later, but at least I'm not completely paralyzed by anxiety.

I figure all that I can do is to keep trying to live a normal life, not let fear get the best of me, and meanwhile be gentle enough with myself that I'm not too overwhelmed.  There are things shifting deep within my psyche which are too raw and amorphous for this blog, but suffice it to say that I do feel I'm making progress of a sort.  Sometimes it's 3 steps forward followed by 2 steps back, but it's still progress.

Driving update:  I have been behind the wheel of my mom's automatic car twice, and I'm getting the hang of it.  I've driven in mostly-empty parking lots and barely-used side streets.  I have also started learning the manual gearshift in our car, by shifting from the passenger seat while Ken does the rest of the driving.  Hey, it's a start, and I haven't blown up the engine yet.

That's pretty much it for headline news.  I've been keeping life simple.  Lots of relaxing after work, and social engagements have all been low-key.  It's working.  Doesn't give me a lot of material to blog about, but that's OK with me.


wigsf3 said...

I don't think you can blow up an engine by messing with a manual gearshift. You'll probably just burn out the clutch.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

You don't seem crazy to me at all... ummm... but I'm not really that sane myself so you can't use my opinion.

Jameil said...

progress!! yay!!!

Sparkling Red said...

wigsf: Maybe Ken was speaking metaphorically. I think he basically meant "you can break the car".

Ron: Well, there's always that expression "it takes one to know one"...

Jameil: *shakes poofy cheerleader pompoms*

Lynn said...

I never thought you were crazy. I'm glad you are better.

DarcKnyt said...

Huzzah for progress! Some is usually better than none.

Don't be hard on yourself, please. Remember the advice -- the wise, sage advice -- you've offered me when I was stressed and dizzying.

You're doing great, and we are all rooting for you.

Sparkling Red said...

Thanks Lynn! I don't honestly think I'm crazy, although I do feel that this world we live in is kind of nuts.

DarcKnyt: That's what friends are for, right? Pointing out the not-so-obvious common sense approach to each other. :-)

LL Cool Joe said...

Most of us don't have much to blog about really but it doesn't stop us. :D

I've never considered you to be crazy at all, in fact the opposite. When things get tough I do think we have to slow down and just keep things simple. I have panic attacks too, normally where I feel I'm dying. It's not easy, I understand.

I'm glad you are making progress.

Granny Annie said...

Perhaps your problem is that you are one of the few sane people:)

Sparkling Red said...

LL Cool Joe: Thanks for sharing that you also deal with panic attacks. It definitely helps to know that I have friends who understand.

Granny Annie: Well that's the answer right there! ;-)

G said...

Define crazy.

What might be crazy to some, is perfectly rational to others.

Therefore, since what I've read seems perfectly rational, than I define you as being perfectly normal.

DarcsFalcon said...

It's okay Spark, you be crazy and I'll be paranoid. ;)

Seriously, I think you're doing great and I'm so proud of you! It's not easy to talk yourself off ledges and here you are, doing it as often as you need to. That's awesome in my book.

Slow and steady on the driving too! No worries, no NASCAR in your future probably, so you can take your time until you feel comfortable enough to take the wheel.

*hugs* You really are doing great. :)

Jenski said...

Yay for feeling better and making life as simple as possible!

Tracy Makara said...

Spark, your brand of crazy is just perfect! Seriously though, I really do think you're awesome. Glad to hear that you are doing better with the anxiety. It can be tough, but then again so are you. When it all comes out in the wash, we're all at least a little's part of what makes life interesting. Glad you're getting some driving time in too! *hugs*