Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I can't resist. I am happy and I know and I've really gotta show it. I have to share what I'm grateful for this holiday season.

I have finally landed in my own life. I finally feel like I'm living in the present. After my divorce, there was a disconnect between me and the rest of the world that just wouldn't mend. For years I felt as though I were wandering around, lost, in a life that belonged to everyone but me. I could only take one day at a time. The future was muffled in a grey cloud.

Christmases were the worst, because when I was married, they were the best. I had my first family Christmas with my ex and his folks when I was 16. I hadn't had much in the way of Christmas celebrations before, being Jewish and all, so it was new and exciting to me. He became my Santa Claus, filling my stocking with treats, buying me wonderful gifts, and bringing me into a family circle with warmth, laughter, and fabulous Christmas dinners.

He was my Christmas for twelve years. All my holiday memories centered around him. So after we split, naturally, Christmas could never be the same.

It took six years for me to get beyond that. Last year was the first year that I was able to simply enjoy the holidays in the present, without feeling haunted. I think the turning point came when Ken and I moved into our condo. It was a totally new setting, all ready for new memories. I left the ghosts behind in my old apartment, where I had spent so much time grieving the past.

It's so good just to be here. I have everything I've ever wanted. Although, I still wouldn't say no to treats in my stocking.

5 comments:

jameil1922 said...

yay!! that's fab. so do you celebrate Christmas & Hanukkah?

Sparkling Red said...

Yes! I am happy to participate in whatever celebrations I am invited to by friends and family of all cultures. In my own home we're a bit hit and miss. Last year we had a Christmas tree. This year, not. Either way, it's all good.
:-)

R.E.H. said...

Glad you're able to find some Christmas spirit, and peace of mind in life.

I, myself, will be doing my best to find that over the next four days that I have off from work, after which I'll be slammed hard with maniacal christmas shoppers, doing their very best to break me down...

San said...

Hey, that's great to be happy this time of year. There's a lot of loneliness and pain going around. Congratulations. I am going to add you to my blogroll, so I can keep an eye on you.

Sparkling Red said...

R.E.H. - I hope you're having some luck finding your Christmas Spirit!

San - Thank you! It's good to know you'll be coming to visit again. :-)