Questions are the Lubricant of Conversation

Dear Loud Woman Who Sat Near Me In The Restaurant Last Night:

It warms my heart that you love your dogs so much. I am an animal lover too, and I am sure you are the bestest Mommy they could ever hope for.

The two other women at your table nodded politely throughout your 45-minute-long monologue, however I am guessing that they probably felt the same way as I did, which is that we really didn't need to hear about your dogs in so much detail. Especially because the details you chose to share were inappropriate for a public place of eating.

We didn't need to know the quantity of poop left by your Lab and your Husky in your back yard, and how long it takes you to pick up all the poop every week on Sunday, which is poop-harvesting day. Nor did we need to know how excited your dogs get when they see you handling their poop.

We didn't need to know about the time your Lab got into a scrap with a squirrel and sustained a significant flesh wound, which bled all over your kitchen. I'm sorry that he needed four stitches and that the vet bill was $300, but that is the cost of being a good pet-Mommy. When one of my cats decided to pick out her stitches (with her teeth) after being spayed*, at midnight on a Saturday, and we had to bring her to an emergency vet at great cost to get her sewn back up again, I did complain about it, but NOT at the dinner table. Because it was gross.

We didn't need to hear about how monumentally disgusting your Husky's farts smell after he's been out hunting and has eaten raw squirrel, bird, and heaven knows what else. We particularly didn't need a detailed visual description of what bits of the bird/squirrel the Husky leaves behind on the lawn when he's finished chowing down.

In closing, Loud Woman, you do seem like a good-hearted person. I think you just don't realize a) how far your voice carries and b) that good dinner conversation should be neither gross nor dominated by you. Questions are the lubricant of conversation. Show some interest in your dining companions! Let them get a word in edgewise! Would you give that a try?

Yours Sincerely,
S. Red.

*Anticipating the question: why would a cat pick out her own stitches? Answer: Because they were itchy. Isn't that what you would do if your stitches itched?