Monday, April 28, 2008

Bad Kitties

On Saturday night, I stayed out late, shaking my booty at a wild party and drinking myself silly.

No, wait. Sorry. I just lied compulsively there. Sometimes I like to pretend that I live that kind of life.

In fact what I did on Saturday evening was have dinner with my mother and then spend two hours working on setting up her new computer.

I don't recall it taking this long to get my own computer set up, even though it's almost exactly the same as my mom's. For some reason, my mom's setup process is stretching longer and longer, with glitches at every possible opportunity. First the internet connection wouldn't cooperate. After an hour on the phone with tech support I had it working, and then as soon as the technician got off the phone it started cutting out again. I also can't seem to get her .mac e-mail address to work, even though that should be easy as pie.

Throughout the process, things are slowed further by the presence of Stinker and The Dude, my mom's insane cats. All they want to do is get in the way and chew on wires and cables. The Dude was so intent on chomping through the phone cord that I had to put the help desk on hold while I booted him out of the room. No amount of taps on his nose would deter him from his chewing. Once he was locked out, he spent a long time trying to burrow under the door before finally ambling off to pull the weather-stripping off the bottom of my mom's front door.

A while later, Stinker asked to come in. I had been sitting for 15 minutes watching software updates download to the hard drive, so I was bored enough to consider letting him in. I thought he might be better-behaved than his brother. I thought he might want to sit and have his ears scritchy-scratched, or just snuggle on my lap. My hopes were ill-founded. He made a beeline for the tangle of cables under the desk and started eating the power cord. I pulled him away, and as soon as I let him go he went right back to it, as though that particular wire had an irresistible magnetic attraction for him. So Stinker got booted out too.

My mom said that these dopey cat-brothers don't respond to the disciplinary measures that have worked on all her past cats. Yelling at them just doesn't register. You can push their faces away from the "no" object as many times as you like, and they'll just come straight back. Even a whack on the nose or the rump doesn't faze them. They just shake it off. (Of course they never get swatted hard enough to cause pain. It's supposed to piss them off, nothing more. But these cats are too easygoing. It's impossible to piss them off.) My mom tries to have a water mister handy to spritz them when they're bad, but she can't always have it in her hand, and there are some places (like near electrical equipment) that a mister isn't practical.

I advised my mom to get a taser. She's thinking about it.

17 comments:

Warped Mind of Ron said...

My pupply loved power cables. Then one day I noticed the power cable to my scanner was chewed completely through. Funny though after that she seemed to avoid all the cables under my desk. If you want to deter the cats print out my picture and put it next to the cables in question, I find that most pussy is repelled by my picture :)

whatigotsofar said...

Stinker and the Dude sounds like a radio morning show team.
You're listening to Stinker and the Dude on C-rap, 103.5 on the FM dial. Toronto's top music mix.

1218Blog said...

I am absolutely in love with the names Stinker and The Dude! It's like Smokey and The Bandit. Your kitties could have their own movie.

I surprised it is taking so long to set up your Mom's mac. Macs are so people friendly. Still better than the PC!

Nilsa S. said...

What about a water gun? Much more accurate when shooting at objects!

unsigned said...

Dude!

honestyrain said...

i still sometimes have a wild saturday night (the last one went til 430am) but i sure can't do it every weekend. takes me days to recover from a night like that. probably always did take me days to recover but i had fewer responsibilities back in the day so the recovery process didn't seem as trying.

jameil1922 said...

LMAO @ TASER!! i literally LOLed on that one! too funny.

San said...

Wild Saturday nights. I don't even stay up to watch SNL any more.

Your mom gave those cats laid-back names and they're living up to the expectations. Maybe they'd just shrug at a taser.

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: These cats chewed through several phone cords without being bothered by the shocks. That's why I'm thinking along the lines of a taser. Or a cattleprod.

Whatigotsofar: That's true! That sounds better than Mad Dog and Billie. :-)

1218blog: I think the Mac is picking up on my mom's anxiety and resentment, and manifesting it in glitches. I worked in I.T. for long enough to learn that computers reflect their owners' state of mind. Have you noticed that your computer crashes more when you're frazzled? I rest my case. :-)

Nilsa: That's a suggestion worth looking into. I'll see what my mom thinks about getting a SuperSoaker. ;-)

Unsigned: Where's your car?

honestyrain: I never partied at any stage in my life. If I went out to a club, I'd drink ginger ale. No special reason except that alcohol only makes me hot and tired, so why would I pay an arm and a leg for the privilege? I wish I could partake with the rest of the population, but my body doesn't cooperate. Oh well. It matters less to me every year.

Jameil: Yay! :-)

San: Well, she actually named them Tinker and Doodles. The names I use are my own personal nicknames. At least she didn't call one of them Bonkers, which was considered as an option originally. I voted for Oliver and Buttons, to no avail.

ConverseMomma said...

My wild saturday nights involve soy formula and diaper blowouts. I think you have one upped me with stinker and dude. LOL!

whatigotsofar said...

I would actually prefer to hear your mother's cats on the radio over Maddog and Billie.

Jenski said...

Water guns are a little smaller than whole spray bottles.

Cats are great...when they get to about 2 years old and chill out a bit.

Nicole said...

Sure those cats don't have some Dachshund in them?
;)
And cats that chew cords? Uh.....

Shaking a booty on the dance floor and drinking - that sounds good, sigh :)

Sparkling Red said...

Conversemomma: I don't know about that... I hear that diaper blowouts can get pretty wild! ;-)

Whatigotsofar: They'd be less obnoxious, for sure.

Jenski: That's exactly it! When they turn two, they start to get lazy and nappy, and much more easy to appreciate. I advised my folks (who got the cats when they were still together) to get older cats, but did they listen to me? Noooo..... Now I get to say "I told you so!" I try not to rub it in too much. ;-)

Nicole: Could be! You never know when you get cats from the Humane Society. Maybe some Daschund, and some goat.

Aurora said...

I'm just imagining Dude pulling off weatherstripping. He sounds very resourceful, in an aimless kind of way...

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

My assclown cats do that too. Lilly, aka, Satan, lays on my chest, licking my chin and clawing my boobs. I keep moving her, and she just keeps coming back for more. I tried to feed her to my snake...but he didn't want her either...

Sparkling Red said...

dirty pirate hooker: Cats can be soooooo persistant. I used to wake up in the night, boiling hot, unable to breathe or move my legs, because I had one big fat cat sleeping on my abdomen and one across my thighs. I'd shove them off but they'd be back again within a few minutes. They smothered me with their love.