The Flyer

At the end of every summer, the Canadian National Exhibition (a.k.a. The CNE or The Ex) runs for around 5 weeks at the CNE fairgrounds down by Lake Ontario. It's a huge production, including roller coasters, games booths, performers, parades, and around a dozen warehouse-sized buildings filled with food, crafts, flea markets, livestock, etc. I couldn't tell you the size of the fairgrounds, but it takes around 15 minutes to walk from one end to the other, assuming you don't get side-tracked, which is next to impossible.

The Ex was cleaned up during the early '90's, and is now much like a giant, open-air mall. It's still fun, but I honestly preferred it when it was seedier, dirtier, more like a traditional carnival.

My mom, cautious lady that she is, would not take me to the Ex. Her younger, more adventurous sister stepped into the breach. Auntie N is 10 years younger than my mom, 18 years older than me. When we started going to the Ex together every year, she was still in her 20's, and full of beans.

The first thing we'd do once we were inside the gates is get ice cream sandwiches made with hot waffles. That was Auntie N's numero uno priority. Then we could wander around the grounds and make our plans for the day. Greasy games barkers with jailhouse tats and mullets hollered at us to come throw darts at balloons to win a prize every time, or to throw a basketball into a barrel and win a giant stuffed unicorn.

We always rode some of the rides. I found out later, from someone who worked as a carny one summer in the prairies, how these rides are assembled. The trucks pull up to the fair ground shortly before the fair is scheduled to start. The carnies all pile out of their vans, tired from a long day on the road, maybe a little drunk, and get to work. The guy in charge doesn't let anyone go to sleep that night until the rides have all been completed. By 3:00 or 4:00 am, if the ride is finished and there are still a few parts, a few "spare" bolts, lying around that obviously should have been installed somewhere in the structure, most likely the workers will just shrug, throw them back in the box, and head to bed.

Maybe (I hope) the standards have improved since the 1980's, but that's apparently how it was back then. And truly, the rides looked like they had been put together with Tinker Toy. We rode them anyway.

We rode The Flyer, a wooden roller coaster that was at least 30 years old by then. These days, roller coasters all have harnesses that lock down over the riders to keep them firmly in their seats. The Flyer had one metal bar that locked down around six inches above our thighs. You were expected to grab that and hold on real tight. I never let go, because I was convinced I would fly out of the car if I did. The whole structure shook and rumbled as we zoomed around. The Flyer was torn down in the early 90's when the Ex got a makeover. I understand that it did not come close to meeting modern safety standards, but I miss it.

We went on other rides too. One memorable time, Auntie N decided that she simply must have a Bratwurst on a Bun With Onions just before climbing on a ride called The Screamer or The Octopus or something like that. As we swooped through the air, she started feeling queasy. "I don't feel so good!" she moaned in my ear. Just then we caught sight of a news crew filming the ride for the evening news. Auntie N was convinced that she was going to hurl onto the news crew and be humiliated on national television. Fortunately she lasted out the ride without any tossing of cookies. More than 20 years later, Bratwurst on a Bun With Onions is a running joke between us. All I have to do is hold my stomach and moan "Oooooh, Bratwurst!" and she'll laugh.

Those were the days...