Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Things that go "Snorf!" in the night

It's almost miraculous how a person can sleep through their own snores. Ken has given me permission to write about his Blaring Nose-Horn of the Night. Yes I wear earplugs. Sometimes they do the trick, and sometimes nothing can keep out the snores.

I have heard only one story of someone waking themselves up with their own snoring. A friend of mine dreamed that a dog had gotten her pant leg in its teeth. The dog was pulling at her pants and growling menacingly: Grrrr! Grrrr! Grrrr! Grrrr! As she was trying to get away from the dog, she woke herself up and realized that the growling dog was the sound of her own snores.

Ken, on the other hand, is NEVER aware that he's snoring. He can be sawing logs like a lumberjack, and then when I rouse him he'll be all: "What do you mean, wake up? I wasn't asleep!" Meet the amazing Ken, the only man on earth who snores while he's awake AND asleep! I keep promising that I'm going to film him so that he can see and hear for himself, but the video camera is packed away at the back of the closet, and I'm not quite motivated enough to drag it out.

My favourite is when he keeps me awake at night, and then complains to me in the morning. "Wow, you sure were mean to me in your sleep last night! You kept sticking your elbow in my side, like this," (he jabs his elbow at me aggressively) "and going 'Roll Over! Roll Over!'" (He moans the "roll over's" in my desperate please-let-me-get-some-sleep voice.)

Other tricks Ken likes to pull in the night:

1) Steals all the blankets, then shoves them off so that they make a ridge down the middle of the bed, and then sleeps up against that. When I wake up freezing and try to get some blankets back, moans, complains, and yanks them all back.

2) Rolls over onto me so that I become the ridge down the middle of the bed. Complains bitterly when I push him off because he has every right to utilize me as a body pillow.

3) Pulls his pillow over and puts half on top of half of my pillow. This is a trick he usually likes to pull after 6:30 am. On weekdays, no problem, I'm up and in the shower. But if I want to sleep in, look out! I might wake up with a pillow being shoved onto my face. And when I shove it off? Of course, the complaining. "NNNYYYYEEEEERRRRRHHHHH!" Yeah, I know, I'm so mean and selfish. If I really loved you, I'd let you sleep on my face.

Worst case scenario, I end up sleeping on the sofa, which actually isn't so bad. The worst part is getting up in the middle of the night, finding the extra blankets, getting them all set up, etc. I resist, oh how I resist getting up out of my warm bed. It's hard to say how often it comes to that. Probably not more than once or twice a month.

Of course this all has nothing to do with how he is when he's awake. Awake, he's a caring and generous man who will bend over backwards to let me have my way and to make my life easier. Just the other day, he voluntarily stepped into an ankle-deep puddle of icy slush, wearing his dress shoes, to help an old lady across a slippery street. His shoes immediately flooded and he walked all the way home in a snowstorm with freezing, chaffing feet, but it never occurred to him not to help her.

I think I can manage to live with the snoring.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

I personally don't believe that I snore, but I go camping with my friends and they always put their tents far away from mine. Hmmmm... how odd.

Leighann said...

My husband has mastered the "snore while you're awake" trick, at least I let him think he has!

Aurora said...

Ha ha... you are very sweet to sleep on the couch! Sounds like there is a lot of snoring going on in that room.

jameil1922 said...

what a nice (awake) guy! that's fab! my coworker snores himself awake-- yes he sleeps at work. my dad usually snores himself awake, too.

Anonymous said...

Think how much easier it is to live with or fix a snoring, but loving husband as opposed to a jackass of a husband. I'll take the snoring for $100 Alex!

Karen said...

Apparently, I also snore - but only when I have had a few too many cocktails. My bf is a blanket stealer, but I have gotten wise and I keep more than one blanket on the bed now.

And I kind of enjoy when the boyfriend uses me as body pillow in the night. But I am just a dork like that. :)

Anonymous said...

I once shared a motel room with my dear ol' dad for three nights. Night #1, his snoring kept me up all night long. Night #2, his snoring was even worse. I swear, the curtains were swaying in and out with his snores. Night #3, it was amazing. No snoring. But a cricket must have got into the room and its chirping kept me up that night. Me getting a good night's sleep on that trip just wasn't meant to be.

My father doesn't snore anymore. He eats healthy now, works out regularly and doesn't inhale nearly as much sawdust as he used to. Those three factors cured him of the snoring. Maybe Ken could try some of those things.

Sparkling Red said...

Warped Mind of Ron: *head tilted and index finger touching chin* My, that is curious indeed. Maybe they just like having lots of personal space.

Leighann: Sometimes I walk around snoring just to get back at Ken. Funny how it doesn't seem to bother him much.

Aurora: I don't know about sweet... maybe I'm just a pragmatist. Or a stoic. But thanks for the compliment!

Jameil: Yeah, I'm super-lucky. I tease, but truly I have nothing to complain about. :-)

1218blog: Absolutely! He can snore all he likes, so long as he stays as super-duper as he always is when he's awake. :-)

Karen: Aw, that's cute! I wish I were the kind of person who could snuggle and sleep at the same time. It always looks so cozy in the movies.

Whatigotsofar: Holy Frustrations, that's a helluva story! I would have been ready to bomb the motel room just to kill that freakin' cricket.

Alex said...

Aw, that's a good man who will walk home in cold, wet shoes. Gotta love a good man.

R.E.H. said...

Thankfully I don't snore (or people have just never had the heart to tell me I do), but my grandmother was the queen of snoring. Once, when we left her place after she'd gone to sleep - we stopped on the parking lot outside, and could clearly hear the snores from inside her house, and the second story bedroom. Yes, the window was closed.

Sparkling Red said...

Alex: Yeah, he's a keeper alright. :-)

R.E.H.: Oh wow. I don't think they make earplugs that can keep out that caliber of snoring. That's extreme!

Jenski said...

When my brother and I would sleep in our cold basement on hot days growing up, he'd hold my nose shut so I would breathe through my mouth and stop snoring. I can't imagine if I'd woken up to him holding my nose shut! More power to you only sleeping on the couch a couple of times a month. Sleeping with another person isn't always easy.

Nicole said...

This reminds quite a bit of HOME ;)

And isn't it fun - they don't remember anything in the morning ;)

I woke up this morning from a lonnnngggggg howl.

Our big dog does this sometimes. I think, he's dreaming and some wolf genes come out.
It usually scares the living crap out of me.
This time it scared hubby, he doesn't wake up when it happens, but today he was already up ;)

Sparkling Red said...

Jenski: You must be a deep sleeper. I'm betting that if someone touched my face when I was sleeping I'd wake up in the middle of punching them. (I'm pretty defensive in my sleep.)

Nicole: Doggie dreams! That does sound scary, actually. Ken's main complaint about sharing a bed with me is that I often wake up hollering from nightmares. It scares us both.

Nicole said...

Nightmares are not good :(

PixieVonAzia said...

LOL this was the funniest post I've read all day. It's all true, my hubby does it and you can hear him all the way into the living room =)

AfterDeath said...

I actually know someone who snores while they are awake. It freaks me out! He can be talking and you can see he is awake... then zzz..zzzzz. It might not help that not only his body is pear shaped but his head is also. The funny thing is that this dude is always proclaiming his God stature to everyone around him.