Family Fallout

My family. They've been trying their best to be supportive of my mom since they found out that my step-dad is leaving her, but it sometimes seems to me that they're doing more harm than good.

Remember how my step-dad broke up with my mom via a voice mail message? Here's how my mom broke the news to me and my family.

It's a Friday night. My step-dad is out of town on a getaway with his girlfriend. My mom has told him that he has to make up his mind and let her know what his intentions are a.s.a.p., because she's not willing to wait around like a hopeful fool while he explores his new relationship. He has to make a decision, and then live with it.

My mom has invited her parents, myself, and my aunt over for dinner in order to have some company.

I am the last to arrive. Everyone is sitting in the living room, making polite conversation, obviously avoiding the subject of my step-dad. My mom calls me into the kitchen. She seems agitated. She tells me that there's a message on the phone that I have to listen to, and then she wants me to erase it so that she never has to hear it again.

Figuring that it's just another one of my step-dad's regular insensitivities, I get into their voice mail system, and listen to the message. What I hear is my step-dad telling my mother that he's decided to leave her for the other woman. He says that he loves her, but he loves the other woman more. I keep myself very still as I listen, because the family has started to gravitate into the kitchen. I can see their curious heads poking through the doorway, watching my mom wring her hands and asking each other "What's wrong? What's happening?"

I'm shocked and also confused. I'm not sure if my mom wants to tell the family now, or just continue with the dinner as though nothing's wrong. I can't guess at what internal forces are motivating her, or what compelled her to have me listen to this message, which is now burned into my memory banks forever.

(Upon reflection I do understand; she wanted a witness to the crime. I wish I'd never heard it. I wish I didn't have to be the witness. And yet, I'm glad that I was able to be there and be strong for her.)

Not wanting to make any assumptions, I delete the message and say nothing to the family members who are clustering around nervously. A few moments pass, and when my mom doesn't give me any cues, I join the faltering conversation about the price of gas. A few beats later, my mom turns to me and says quietly "Please I need a hug." Then she all but falls into my arms.

The family is all looking at me for an explanation. I ask her "Do you want them to know now?" She says "You tell them." So, with my mother in my arms, her back to the gathered, anxious faces, I break the news to them.

Immediately, they all start talking at once. Their voices swarm and overlap. My mom retreats to the motions of getting dinner out of the oven.

My grandfather is monologuing about how my step-dad is just a hedonist, and that any man worth his salt should agonize about living his life properly until the day that he dies. My aunt and grandmother are tag-teaming, telling my mom that we should throw all my step-dad's stuff out onto the lawn right now, and she should kick him in the balls, etc. I also hear them both agree that I should reject him as a dad and never speak to him again.

It didn't occur to them that maybe they should shut up and LISTEN to my mom. No one asked her how she was feeling, or what she felt ready to do. No one expressed sympathy, or held her hand. They just freaked out.

In the time that has passed since the news sank in, my family has not changed their approach. They have not become more sensitive. They have their agenda for what should happen next, and whether they are delivering the message with passive aggression or overt aggression, they are still not listening to my mom. They're not listening to me either, for that matter.

I'm now in a situation, for the second time in my life, where they want me to reject a father to prove my loyalty to them. If I don't cut him off completely, they'll see it as a betrayal. And I'm not planning to cut him off, for many reasons, some of which are financial.

I don't have a tidy wrap-up for this story. It's an ongoing drama. It's too bad, because I know that my family means well, and that they're trying their best. I don't want this to tear us all apart.