Friday, March 7, 2008

Crazy Neighbour 2

It all started innocently enough, on Mother's Day.

I had been getting to know Nina, our next-door apartment neighbour who was around my own age. I found out that she'd given birth to her son when she was 19, and had raised him alone in difficult circumstances. Although she'd done her very best to do right by him, had sacrificed her own hopes and dreams to provide for him, he was going through an adolescent rebellious phase. A short time ago, he said a lot of very unkind things to her, and moved in with his dad.

Distraught and bereft, Nina moved to Toronto from her smallish hometown, to try to make a life for herself without her son. She didn't know anyone here, and Toronto is a notoriously unfriendly city. People err on the side of polite silence, and avoiding eye contact. She was not used to living alone in her new apartment. And then it was Mother's Day. Her son probably wouldn't call. She was feeling like crap.

Ken often brought me flowers back then, because he's awesome like that, and because there was a cute little flower shop on his walk home from work. Nina sometimes ran into him in the hall as he unlocked our door, and admired the bouquets. He thought it would be a nice gesture to bring Nina some flowers on Mother's Day. And so he did.

We'd each been over to each others' place a few times before, so it didn't seem odd to him when she invited him over for tea a few days later. But something in the way she curled up on the couch this time... the vibe was different. She was coquettish. Eyelashes were batted. Leading questions were tabled.

I got home around twenty minutes after Ken had accepted the invitation to tea. As I was still shrugging off my jacket, I heard a door open and close outside, and then our own door opened and Ken rushed in, like something was chasing him. He looked a little wild-eyed.

Ken: You're never going to believe what Nina just said to me.

Me: What? What did she say?

Ken: She said that all her friends said that the flowers meant...

Me: What?

Ken: She thought we were trying to get her to have a three-way!

Me: [loud enough to be heard through our common wall]
WHAT ?!!!!!

Ken: Yeah, she wants to have sex with both of us.

Me: *stunned silence*

Ken: Well, what do you think?

Me: Uh, it's flattering, I guess.

Ken: Would you do it?

So we considered the option, or at least we pretended to give it serious consideration. I felt a responsibility to at least hypothesize about whether or not it was a good idea. Lots of people would feel like they won the lottery with that offer. She was a fairly attractive woman. I didn't want to regret it later in life, kicking myself for being too conservative.

But in the end, we just weren't into it. Even Ken, who ostensibly had nothing to lose, realized that the reality of a three-way could get really awkward, and then being next-door neighbours could become unbearable. And although I can appreciate the beauty of women, I'm pretty firmly in the straight camp. I didn't have any desire to experience Nina without her clothes on.

Things were never quite the same living next to Nina, after that day. I think we were all relieved when Ken and I moved out. Last time I ran into her, she said she was still living there, and that a couple of loud Russian women had moved into our old apartment. She said they argued and shouted day and night. She said that she misses us. I guess she won't be offering the Russians a three-way.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

Oh my! Ken was sooo close to achieving a mans ultimate fantasy. Of course the reality of that has many consequences that most likely would have ended very badly so good call.

PixieVonAzia said...

LOL! The fact that he was still like all calm and asked "Well, What do you think?"

I'm surprised she offered that and that you really considered it =)

I'm all for 3somes just as long as it's someone else lol.. I don't know if I could share myself and my hubby to another person..

Dianne said...

Man you get the most interesting neighbors.

I too laughed at how calm Ken was. And how logical you were in considering whether or not to consider it.

Maybe those 2 Russian women are fighting over Nina.

Anonymous said...

Wow you guys must be a pretty hot couple to get asked to have a three way. Most people have to look very hard to get that kind of action.

R.E.H. said...

Now, why don't I have neighbors like that?

Maybe I need to come home carrying flowers more often... but, then I'd be the crazy neighbor, who brings home flowers for himself - as they surely know I live alone ;)

whatigotsofar said...

You know, somewhere in this crazy little world we call the Internet. Nina's got a blog with a post about her former neighbours who tried to get her into a three-way.

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: I think Ken will always wonder what might have been... At least he can brag that he got the offer!

Pixie Von Azia: Yeah, I think it's really playing with fire to get a third person involved in a committed relationship. Especially considering she lived next door - it could hardly have been an anonymous one-night stand. I still don't think I'd do it, even if it was just for one time.

Dianne: Could be! That building seemed to attract nuts, especially our floor. (I do not exclude Ken and I from that statement. We're pretty eccentric in our own ways.) We had Joe on one side of us, Nina on the other, and a girl down the hall who'd hallucinate when she didn't take her meds, and would suddenly start screaming blue murder at her 3-D waking nightmares. Intense!

Unsigned: Yeah, we're smokin' hot. ;-)

R.E.H.: They might also think that you're gay, having solo dinner parties, sitting across from a framed picture of Ryan Phillipe, sighing, and offering him roses. That's probably not the impression you're aiming for...

WhatIgotsofar: That's probably true, and boy would I love to hear her side of the story. She probably thought we were nuts, buttering her up with flowers and then backing out at crunch time. Hey, you never know, if she's still in Toronto and single, you could end up dating her! Sometimes it's a very small world.

Jenski said...

I can just picture a head to head with you and Ken at the table. Do we do it? She is an attractive woman! Will we have this opportunity again? Will we regret not doing it? Or doing it? All with dim lighting and smoke in the room too. Great movie scene. :)

Aurora said...

Yes I'm still floored by the way you tell it, that Ken was quietly like "So?" and you were quietly like, "Hmm..." (after the initial, "WHAT?!?!?!?) hehheheh...

Keera Ann Fox said...

See, that's why men shouldn't give flowers to women they aren't married to or related to.

Now, why are your other commenters surprised that you were offered a three-way and that you calmly considered it? Is there some other way to handle such offers I don't know of? :-)

Nicole said...

Nice :D
I can figure that the relationship has been a bit awkward afterwards :D

I'm not sure about a 3some either.
Maybe later in Life when it DOES get boring with only the 2 of us ;)

Sparkling Red said...

Jenski: Yes, I can see it too. In the film noir genre; for some reason Ken is wearing a fedora and a grey trench coat inside our apartment, and of course I have a permanent wave, and a cigarette in a long holder.

Aurora: I was truly at a loss for words. When faced with an unprecedented, unanticipated situation, my usual reaction is to try to rationally think it through, even if it seems outlandish. I put on my thinking cap.

Keera: I'm thinking that a lot of people would have spent more time in the flipping out, arm-waving, 'What!?"-hollering phase. And yes, any act by a married man that could be construed as courting behaviour is always playing with fire.

Nicole: Hey, why not? If you can make it work for you, then go for it. :-)

Karen said...

How funny!! I am glad you considered it. LOL. I wonder how Nina brought that up though. It must not be an easy thing to do.

savia said...

This is hilarious. My neighbours aren't nearly as interesting. One drove all over my lawn (without consulting me) while he was building his house and the others have really loud dogs they're always yelling at.

Still not nearly as awckward as your situation.

Sparkling Red said...

Savia: It's so uncool to drive on someone else's lawn without asking their permission. Not that anyone would ever agree to it, if they value their grass. Sheesh! :-p