BFF: A History

Since a comment by whatigotsofar on this post, I've been thinking about the friend life cycle, and its unpredictability. I've been so convinced, at times, that a certain person would be in my life until the bittersweet end, only to have them drift off, or abruptly disappear. Others who were challenging to get along with have gone the distance and are now in my closest inner circle.

So where have the old friends gone? Let's take an inventory:

Best grade school girlfriend:
Now living in British Columbia with two kids and a third on the way. For the non-Canadians, BC is on the West coast of Canada, far away from me.

I propose re-naming British Columbia to Chums Movawayfromia. A few other women have come into my life, seemed like great friend material, and then just as I was feeling comfortable with them they all went "Guess what? I'm moving to BC!" I would move there myself, just to help my social life, if all my family weren't in Toronto.

Best Middle-School and High-School girlfriends:
Long gone.

Best University girlfriend:
Still my best girlfriend. Hi Aurora!

The woman I met at my first I.T. job:
This one, I had pegged as a BFF. We spent all day e-mailing each other almost every weekday. And it wasn't just silly girltalk either. We spilled our guts about everything.

She was there for me as I agonized over whether or not I should leave my first husband. She cried on my shoulder over her endless dating failures and ticking biological clock. We knew everything about each other.

Then she finally landed a man. I heard every detail of the courtship, and shared her victory when he finally proposed.

I went to visit the newly engaged couple. I noticed, and obviously my friend did too, that her fiance really enjoyed looking at me all night. And that was that. I never heard from her again. Not an e-mail, not a phone call, not a letter. Just, pffft - GONE.

I was as heartbroken as when my first love dumped me.

Best girlfriend from psychology school:
She's awesome. We need to get our acts together and meet more often.

Worst girlfriend from psychology school:
Started out as top candidate for the best girlfriend. We were the same age, had lots in common; she lived in my neighbourhood. We hung out and had fun for a year at school and outside of it.

One day I called her after a fight with Ken, because I was feeling down, and I was working on reaching out to people instead of isolating myself when I was feeling sad. It was a conscious risk, and I was nervous about calling. I left a message that was a little wistful, saying that I was sorry to have missed her and could she call me back.

She called me back all right. She was furious. She perceived that my message was "passive aggressive". Told me that she didn't have time for people who were not clear about their needs. Asked me to set out for her exactly how many phone calls I required from her per month, and how many minutes per call. She said she had a lot of friends and didn't have time to devote that much to each one.

We spoke a couple of times after that and tried to come to an understanding, but we never could. Obviously, that ended our friendship. And since then, I haven't risked calling a friend on the phone when I'm feeling very low, despite many warm invitations to do so. (But sometimes I'll e-mail.)

This isn't a comprehensive list, but it shows the extremes.

I'm grateful for the friends I have now - they're terrific! I haven't said as much about my friend successes, but only because I'm a drama queen and I love telling those shocking stories. Guy friends have not been forgotten; that's a topic for another post.

Also, I haven't always been a perfect friend. That's a topic for another post too.