Thursday, January 24, 2008

Self Talk

Things I have to keep reminding myself of lately:

1. I'm not a toddler helplessly watching my first set of parents fall apart. I do not need to hide in my closet hugging a stuffed toy until the yelling is done. I am 35 years old, and I can look after myself.

2. I'm not 28 years old, wrenching myself away from my own first marriage. I am not a fox chewing off her own leg to free herself from a trap. I am not leaving my home, my routines, and even my old job behind to start a terrifying new life. I am safe, and Ken is here to support me.

3. I don't have to let depression win. I can feel my sadness without losing hope. I have learned coping mechanisms, and they work, as long as I actually use them. I must use them.

4. I have good friends, and they want to hear from me. Some of those friends are also part of my family. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many people who wish me well. I do not have to go through this alone.

I've been trying to calculate how I should feel. On one hand I'm a grown woman no longer living with my parents, so it seems that their divorce might not have any direct impact on me. On the other hand I'm still my parents' daughter, and it's heart-breaking to watch them suffer, because I love them. I'm trying to figure out which of my feelings are about the present situation and which are echos of past divorces coming back to haunt me.

Like, if I could only get that straightened out, I could deal with my feelings in an orderly fashion.

Or maybe I just need to let myself feel my feelings and honour them all. They're there for a reason, right? They each have an important lesson to deliver from my heart to my conscious mind.

I wish I had a whole week just to sit back and mull things over. I need time to understand all the messages.


Kell said...

Sometimes we feel so many things at once, it's hard to figure out which one we should be dealing with. Yes, you have positive things in your life and in many ways are lucky, but that doesn't mean that things don't suck sometimes. And this is one of those times. Saying hang in there sounds so cliche, but that's what you'll do because you're obviously a strong woman.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Things that affect the parents will affect the child no matter what age they might be. Your comment about sorting your emotions and dealing with them in an orderly way sounds like how I try to deal with things, but then I heard people telling me I had to feel them... That always confused me becuase I was trying to deal with them because I was feeling them. :) Things will get better.

jameil1922 said...

definitely just let yourself feel and if you need a day, just one, to wallow, take it. there's nothing wrong with that. i'm so glad you have people who are there for you. its times like these when you realize how much they mean.

Keera Ann Fox said...

I think when our parents go through some kind of crisis, it leaves us feeling helpless. Especially if their loss or crisis is also our loss or crisis. It's like we suddenly have to the grown-up around our parents and that's hard to do.

Now, why the heck did I think your name was Sassy, Spark? I apologize for my blunders.

Melinda Zook said...

Divorce, no matter how it happens, is always a difficult thing. I think you are doing a good thing keeping yourself in check but remember, you are allowed to deal with these feelings, whatever they may be. Once they are dealt with you will feel better and be able to better help them. Passing on *hugs*.

San said...

Red, it's OK to grieve your parents' breaking up. It's very sad. It always is. Sometimes I feel our culture tries to take these things too lightly.

BUT it's great that you do have Ken and lots of friends and I'm assuming your parents are in good health. Lots of blessings to factor in too.

When you get home from work, take a crying break. Eat some comfort food. Don't you like cow tongue? That always helps me anyway. I mean the tears and the comfort food, which in my case doesn't happen to be cow tongue.

Sparkling Red said...

Kell: Thank you. It feels good to know that my strength shows as well as my vulnerability. :-)

Ron: I hear what you're saying. I do have a tendency to retreat to "living from the neck up". It's a good reminder.

Jameil: Yes, I definitely appreciate all the people who are writing or phoning or just being there when I need them. I have a tendency to isolate under stress but it doesn't do me any good.

Keera: No worries! That's funny. I kept wonder who Sassy was, and thought it was very coincidental that she had tagged you for the same meme. Sassy is a flattering nickname. I'll answer to that!

Melinda: *receiving hugs* *feeling good with the hugs* :-)

San: Thank you. LOL at the idea of curling up on the couch in my jammies, under a blanket, indulging in a big plate of cow's tongue like other people might eat a pint of ice cream. Actually I think I'd rather have a nice, fresh brownie. With icing. But no nuts. ;-)

Karen said...

You are totally valid in having feeling about this. It doesn't matter if you are 5 or 55 - your parents are stil your parents and you wouldn't be normal if you were not effected by their split.

Maxie said...

Let yourself feel it. If not it will come back and bite you in a few years. There's nothing wrong with being upset over it.

Tamara said...

Age doesn't matter when it comes to emotions. All are valid as long as they are acknowledges and dealt with.

You can cry while being strong, and be miserable while being accepting of any given situation.

As long as you are aware you will always come through.

My mantra!


Sparkling Red said...

Karen: Thanks. I feel better with all this reassurance coming in. Self-doubt creeps back in so stealthily. I'm going to have to come back and re-read these comments often.

Maxie: It's so true. Big feelings don't go away when ignored. They just go underground.

Tamara: Thank you. *absorbing hug energy* :-)

Aurora said...

Yes! that's right, you did get through a lot of difficult situations in the past--you can be proud of yourself.

On your phrase 'should feel'--maybe you think you 'shouldn't be feeling' that right now but I would think those feelings are wholly appropriate for the situation. No doubt this breakup is dragging up feelings about other painful breakups, as you've realized. That sounds like hard work to me.

Nicole said...

Writing things down is already a good start.
I think you are allowed to feel hurt.
But like you said, you're not a teenager no more and you know that sometimes things don't work out.
It's just sad to see grown ups hurt each other, especially when they are close to you.

Take care of yourself! And don't bury those feelings, let them come, but don't let them take over.