Family History, Part II

Family History, Part I, can be found here.

When we left off yesterday, I was regaling you with tales of my step-dad's rageaholic tendencies. You may ask: how did my step-dad get to be so messed up? And I can tell you: He and his parents were Holocaust survivors.

In 1939 when he was 6 months old, his parents packed him into the backseat of their car with a few, carefully-chosen belongings, and fled the Nazi-occupied Eastern European country where he was born. They actually ran a Nazi roadblock with all their lights off and ducked gunfire as they sped away.

His father led them to a faraway new country, where they didn't speak the language. His parents struggled to settle in and start a business. Within the year, word reached them that almost all of their immediate and extended family had been killed in the concentration camps.

His mother fell into a deep depression, and was unable to care for her son. His father was occupied with earning a living for the family, and there was no one else to care for him. He was fed and bathed, but otherwise badly neglected. At this critical time when he should have been bonding with his parents, he missed out. It seems to me that he was never able to make up for this stage in his development. It's why he's always seemed to live at arms' length from other people, and have difficulty understanding other peoples' feelings.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's, both of my step-dad's parents died. This triggered a period of intense introspection, and a new resolve to be a better man. He began to read self-help books, which gave him a better understanding of human psychology.

Unfortunately, by the time he'd begun to manifest this new direction, I'd already moved out.

Years passed. Once I was no longer a part of the household, the dynamics of my parents' relationship changed, and they slowly settled down into a comfortable routine. After many years of keeping my distance, I gradually began to build a new relationship with my folks. We began to enjoy each others' company. Since I turned 30, it's been more and more common for me (and eventually my husband) to visit with them just to talk and hang out together.

After 15 years of living in the Angry House, and then 7 years of not seeing much of each other, we had finally achieved what had seemed to be impossible: Harmony. Love. Good conversation. Happy memories.

My step-dad will never be as sensitive as we'd like him to be, but at least he tries. He knows that he tends to blunder and put his feet in his mouth, but he is open to suggestions and corrections, as long as they're gently worded. He has really turned around 180 degrees from a bully to a sweet, generous man. He doesn't try to hurt people anymore.

All of this goes to explain why it's so tough to watch my mom and step-dad split up. I want more happy times together to make up for all the lost years. We had finally gotten there, and now it's all going down the tubes.

It's also hard to watch my step-dad handle the situation so badly. I believe that he's making a big mistake by leaving my mom, and by the time he figures it out, it'll be too late. He's not going out of his way to hurt her, and feels guilty for the suffering he's causing, but you wouldn't know it from the things he says and does.

His insensitivity is staggering. He's just trying to follow his heart's desire, like all the pop psychology books told him he should. He's just trying to be honest (ditto).

I've already had to take him aside and tell him that my mom doesn't want to hear how happy he is with his new girlfriend. There's such a thing as too much honesty, not enough tact. And here I am, having to spell it out for him. Stuck in the middle again.