Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sporks and Tomatoes

I am proud to announce my first ever blogging award! Thanks to Tink of Pickled Beef I am the proud recipient of a Golden Spork.



Tasty indeed! Tink's blog is awesome. You should go take a look now, and see who the other lucky award winners were. And I should update my blogroll because I've just noticed that Pickled Beef and so many other of my favourites are not even on there. Bad blogger! I'll get right on that.

And now, boys and girls, its time for a story. Are you all settled comfortably in your chairs? You in the back, stop whispering! OK, today we have the story of Ray and The Tomato.

I used to know a guy called Ray. A regular guy, who had a crush on the girl who worked behind the counter at the local burger joint.

The burgers would come off the grill with nothing but a bun. Ray’s crush was the burger dresser. She had all the toppings and condiments arrayed in bowls on the countertop, ready to go.

Now, for reasons of his own, Ray hates raw tomatoes. He’s OK with ketchup, but don’t put a raw tomato anywhere near him unless you’re looking for trouble.

Up at the counter, the cute burger girl waited for Ray’s instructions. He found himself tongue-tied. After waiting for an awkward moment, she started offering him toppings one at a time.

“Ketchup?”

“Yes”

“Mustard?”

“Yes”

“Relish?”

“Yes”

As she loaded up the burger, he found himself lulled into a feeling of safety by saying “yes” to every offer she made. He wanted to be in agreement with her on everything. He wanted her to see what a nice, agreeable guy he was.

“Onions?”

“Yes”

“Pickles?”

“Yes”

“Tomatoes?”

“Yes”

Burger girl reached for the tomatoes. She already had a slice in her tongs when Ray’s brain kicked into gear and he remembered that he loathes tomatoes. Panicking, he blurted

“NOT THAT ONE!”

She paused, tomato slice dangling in mid-air and one lovely eyebrow raised. Smooth move, Ray.

He spent a lot of time that night imagining what she must have been thinking at that moment.

He never did get her number.

9 comments:

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Ummm.... I'm the same way about tomatoes. If you smash them to a paste form I love it, but get a tomato in slice form and I'm not that happy. Do you know if the Veggie girl is still available?? I've been working on some pretty good pickup lines...

Solomon Broad said...

Poor girl. She must have been quite freaked out by it.

jameil1922 said...

hahahahahaha. she probably laughed about it later and kept it moving considering she's probably had so many much stranger requests. i'm very very tomato picky. like ron i love them when they no longer resemble tomatoes. i'm OBSESSED w/ketchup. but when they still look like tomatoes, they must be the right consistency. mushy tomatoes get picked off with the edge of two fingers & the ugly face of distaste. YUCK!

San said...

I wonder if she thought he meant--not that particular slice of tomato but the one over there.

And Ray. Did he eventually hook up with a beautiful tomato-hating girl and live happily ever after?

Sparkling Red with a Golden Spork. That kind of fits. Congrats, babe!

R.E.H. said...

Oh, my God - that was one funny "failed pick-up" story ;)

I can relate though... I've been tongue tied once too. I had purchased some books and the girl was soo hot, that once I got out from the store I told my friend, who was with me.

"Wait here, I'm going back in to get her number"

I strut inside, and as I reached the counter she held her hand out... with my wallet in it.

"You forgot your wallet", she says.

"Thanks... that's what I came for", and I took my wallet and left the store - how could I ask for her number after that?

Sparkling Red said...

Ron: I don't know if that particular veggie girl is still available, but there's got to be a few cute burger dressers out there. I'm half-tempted to suggest a horrible pick-up line involving mentions of beef patties and sauces, but you can use your imagination.

Sololmon Broad: I wonder if she remembers it as clearly has he does. Maybe she's still telling the story too. :-)

Jameil: I once knew a woman who claimed she had never eaten a raw tomato. We didn't believe her, and someone gave her a cherry tomato out of their lunch to test her. She actually gagged on it. Apparently there is widespread hatred of tomatoes.

San: Ray married a beautiful, red-headed yoga teacher and they now have a gorgeous little girl. Happy Ending!
And thanks - Now I'm Sporkling Red. ;-)

R.E.H.: That's too funny. At least she handed you the wallet BEFORE you asked her for her number! :-)

Tamara said...

I'm only going to say "congrats!" because as for the rest? OMG!

Aurora said...

Nicely told!

My mum is very picky about tomatoes. She once vomited up some cooked ones and the skins were recognizable. Ever since, she hasn't been able to eat any cooked tomatoes. Consequently, the first thing I ever learned to do in the kitchen was skin tomatoes using boiling water.

Maxie said...

that story made me laugh :-)